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Boston Legal
Let Sales Ring
Season 1, Episode 16

Written by David E. Kelley
© 2005 David E. Kelley Productions. All Rights Reserved.
Broadcast: March 13, 2005
Transcribed by Imamess of JSMP for JSMP and Boston-Legal.org
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Denny Crane and Milton Bombay are walking arm-in-arm to
Denny's office.
Denny Crane: My friend, I can't tell you how good it is to see you. I gotta be honest with you, I
thought you were dead.
Milton Bombay: Never felt better in my life.
Denny Crane: Oh, come on. That's a lie. Look at you.
How's Sylvie?
Milton Bombay: Sylvie is dead.
Denny Crane: Fantastic. And the kids?
Milton Bombay: Denny, the last time we spoke you mentioned that despite astronomical odds you
managed to become yet an even better lawyer.
Denny Crane: Hard to believe, isn't it?
Milton Bombay: I have a motion which obviously I'm quite capable of arguing myself, being more
talented than you...
Denny Crane: No, you're not.
Milton Bombay: I also happen to be the client. The case is also extremely unconventional. A
beat. I want to be frozen.
Denny Crane: What do you mean?
Milton Bombay: I mean I want to be frozen and stored in a cryonic institute.
Denny Crane: What do you mean?
Milton Bombay: I'm 78 years old. It won't be long before my body starts to wither. I've lived a full
life. The technology will soon exist that I will be able to double that life. I wanna be frozen and
stored until such time that technology becomes a reality.
Denny Crane: What do you mean?
Milton Bombay: I mean when I leave this world I don't want it to be forever, which means for now I
wanna frozen!
Denny Crane: What do you mean?
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, in Denny’s office through an interior window, Paul Lewiston
and Denny watch Milton take his leave of Brad Chase and Lori Colson.
Paul Lewiston: So basically he wants to be euthanized?
Denny Crane: And preserved on ice. Evidently, there's some Right To Privacy law I've never
heard of.
Paul Lewiston: Why should you? It's in the Constitution.
Shirley Schmidt: She comes in. What's Milton Bombay doing here?
Paul Lewiston: He wants to be frozen and stored in a cryonics facility.
Shirley Schmidt: Raising her hand. All in favor?
Paul Lewiston: And he wants Denny to argue it.
Shirley Schmidt: Huh. And what could possibly occasion him to want that?
Paul Lewiston: The problem is the basis of the case, if there is one, would lie in the Bill of Rights
which Denny, of course, feels never should have been passed.
Denny Crane: We're one Supreme Court appointment away from overturning.
Shirley Schmidt: The Bill of Rights?
Denny Crane: Damn right. Red States rule.
Shirley Schmidt: Paul, there seems to be some psychological deficit in play here. To Denny. I
refer to Milton's, not yours. Any person who wants to be frozen should perhaps be referred to a
therapist, not a lawyer.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, in library, Chelina Hall walks up to Alan Shore.
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Chelina Hall: Hey! Pretty boy. I hear you're looking for some interesting cases. She and Alan
shake hands. Chelina Hall. We haven't officially met.
Alan Shore: Yes. I've peeped at you in the girls' room, unofficially.
Chelina Hall: Cute. Come with me? She takes him to her office. Stuart Milch. Alan Shore.
Stuart Milch: He and Alan shake hands. A pleasure, sir. Thanks again for agreeing to see me.
Alan Shore: Not at all. Especially since I’ve made no such agreement.
Chelina Hall: Show him the gizmo, Stuart. Stuart places something in Alan’s hand. Tell him
what it is, Stuart.
Stuart Milch: It's called a newsblocker. It’s sold off the Internet. You attach it to the coaxial input
on your television. And it basically blocks news transmissions.
Alan looks at Chelina.
Chelina Hall: It's true.
Stuart Milch: My high school principal attached these devices to all the televisions in the building.
The problem is, it turns out it only blocks only one network. The most fair and balanced one. All
the others, kids can watch.
Alan Shore: It singles out one network only?
Stuart Milch: Yes, because this network supposedly pushes a Conservative agenda. Which is a
lot of hooey! This is blatant censorship. It further is evidence of a liberal media bias, and I for one
am sick of it. He takes the gizmo from Alan. In all my years.
Alan Shore: In all his years.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Denny, Shirley and Milton are in Denny's office.
Shirley Schmidt: Milton, I consider you a friend. Actually, I don't, I find you a bit boorish. But, I
have always enjoyed your unfettered candor and in the spirit of that candor, the case cannot be
won. Given that this is the only lifetime you'll ever get to have, please don't waste what's left of it
in the vast cavernous sinkhole known as our system of jurisprudence.
Milton Bombay: I made my life in that system. I rose to the very top of this system.
Denny Crane: No, you didn't.
Shirley Schmidt: Milton, no Judge is going to let you be euthanized and stashed in a Sub-Zero. A
brand of refrigerator/freezer.
Milton Bombay: We cannot know that unless we try, Shirley.
Shirley Schmidt: I know you recently retired. Is this...?
Milton Bombay: And please do not proffer psychological counsel. I came in here in search of legal
and intellectual acuity.
Shirley Schmidt: And you sought out Denny?
Milton Bombay: I assure you this is something I considered with all due gravity. I came to a
decision and now I appeal to you as my attorney to help me execute that decision. Do I make
myself clear?
Shirley Schmidt: Perfectly. We're talking about your execution.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Tara Wilson, Brad and Shirley are in the kitchen.
Tara Wilson: Frozen?
Brad Chase: That's why he's here?
Shirley Schmidt: If there's any legal research on point, which I doubt there is, the sooner the
better. By way of analogy you might wanna look at assisted suicide or right-to-die. Brad, you take
the math and science because you're male and therefore more innately qualified. Anything and
everything you can find on cryonics' technology.
Lori Colson: She joins the conversation. Wait. This firm is actually going to help Milton Bombay
be put on ice?
Catherine Piper: She is there too. Oh, come now, Lori, you of all people should know it's not so
bad to go through life as a Popsicle.
Lori Colson: What is that supposed to mean?
Catherine Piper: Nothing. My! Everybody's so sensitive. Can't we all just get along? She leaves.
Shirley Schmidt: We go to court this morning so… as fast as you can.
Courtroom Judge Peter Harding’s courtroom.
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: First of all, students have no vested rights whatsoever to watch any
news during school.
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Alan Shore: But they are allowed to do so at Winslow Hall, except for one network.
Judge Peter Harding: Ms Tyler, is this particular broadcast being singled out on content?
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: Even if it is, Your Honor, schools have the right to legislate content. Just
as we can search students' lockers.
Alan Shore: Objection to the spin, Judge. This is a no-spin zone.
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: A school principal is not subject to grounds of reasonableness when it
comes to policy.
Alan Shore: This is the First Amendment in play here. What's next? Burning a few books?
Judge Peter Harding: Ms Tyler, I must say, this has a bad stink to it.
Alan Shore: Ha.
Judge Peter Harding: How do you ban one network news program and not the others?
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: The principal felt this particular network was detrimental.
Judge Peter Harding: Well, I wanna hear from the principal in this witness chair, or I'm going to
grant the petitioner's motion right now.
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: Fine. I can get him here this afternoon.
Judge Peter Harding: We'll adjourn for lunch. Be back at 4:00.
At the courthouse, Denny, Milton and Shirley come off the elevator and are greeted by the
media.
Female Reporter: There they are! Reporters and photographers run up to them.
Male Reporter: Mr Bombay, why are you doing this?
Milton Bombay: It's simply about wanting to continue my legacy for centuries to come. I'm
perhaps the greatest lawyer of all time and I want that time to continue...
Denny Crane: No, he's not. I'm better. Denny Crane. I’m better.
Milton Bombay: ...into the future.
Denny Crane: How are you, sweetie? Still the king. Denny Crane.
In Judge James Billmeyer’s courtroom.
Shirley Schmidt: Mr Bombay, you are asking for a court order to end your life.
Milton Bombay: Under today's science. Tomorrow might be quite different.
Shirley Schmidt: But, Sir, let's be realistic.
Milton Bombay: Why the hell do I have to be realistic? It's my body. What do I have to do? Get
pregnant?
Shirley Schmidt: Well, you may be couching this in pro-life terms, but in today's scientific world
being frozen makes you dead.
Milton Bombay: I am asking for the chance to be alive in tomorrow's world. To play with my great
great great great grandchildren.
Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: Do you have grandchildren today?
Milton Bombay: I've got six. All grown. Three of them love me.
Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: Ha ha, Suppose one of them came into the court at
say, the age of 30, asking to be frozen?
Milton Bombay: I'd say wait. You've got a lot of years.
Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: Well, but maybe they would like it done before their
body starts to go south, which at 30, it can.
Milton Bombay: Look, I don't advocate this for young, healthy people.
Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: But certainly if you can decide for yourself, so should
others, right?
Milton Bombay: I'm close to 80. My life is almost over.
Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: Does one have to be old to get this autonomy? How
about somebody 35, with cancer?
Milton Bombay: If it was incurable? Yes.
Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: Parkinson's Disease? MS? What if somebody
wanted to get frozen to avoid the draft?
Denny Crane: Let him move to Canada. Freeze his balls off. The Judge gives him a look.
Denny Crane.
At the courthouse, Denny, Shirley and Milton are coming out of the courtroom.
Milton Bombay: Why did you do that?
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Denny Crane: You were getting picked apart.
Milton Bombay: No, I was not. I was doing just fine.
Denny Crane: I had to stop the other side's momentum.
Shirley Schmidt: Boys!
Milton Bombay: Like shooting spitballs at a battle ship. I was having a real moment in there, and
you stepped on it!
Shirley Schmidt: Boys, we need to get back to the office and prepare our expert.
Milton Bombay: You stepped on my moment.
Denny Crane: Did not.
Shirley Schmidt: Boys!
Milton Bombay: He did step on it.
In Judge James Billmeyer’s courtroom, Dr. Malcolm Freemont is on the stand.
Dr. Malcolm Freemont: Cryonics proponents don't refer to the patient as dead, simply,
"preserved."
Shirley Schmidt: Frozen?
Dr. Malcolm Freemont: Yes.
Shirley Schmidt: But, Doctor, if the person's heart isn't beating; if there's no brain activity, we tend
to call them dead?
Dr. Malcolm Freemont: Under today's medical definition, yes. But the definition of cryonics is
basically a process using a very cold temperature to prevent people from dying.
Denny Crane: Under his breath to Milton. Where'd we get this quack?
Milton Bombay: Shhh.
Shirley Schmidt: Uh, Doctor. Let's be fair. Has anyone ever been brought back to life after being
frozen?
Dr. Malcolm Freemont: No, and it's not likely to happen soon. But the technology is changing.
We're discovering more and more about molecular nanotechnology everyday. And one day, it will
be a reality.
Denny Crane: A molecular what?
Shirley Schmidt: One second, Doctor. She leans in to Denny. Denny, I'm gonna try something
here. I don't have time to explain. I just need you to go with it, okay? Denny nods. I want you to
count backwards from a hundred, silently.
Denny Crane: Why?
Shirley Schmidt: I'll explain later. It's important.
Denny Crane: Uh, 99, 98. Shirley motions him to count silently.
Shirley Schmidt: Okay, Doctor. We've heard that cryonics is in our future; but, please, give me
one example, one piece of evidence that indicates that this could possibly work.
Dr. Malcolm Freemont: The wood frog.
Shirley Schmidt: I'm sorry. Did you say, “Wood frog?”
Dr. Malcolm Freemont: Ah, yes. A frog in the Canadian Arctic that hibernates and completely
freezes in the winter. Denny concentrates on counting silently. No heartbeat, no brain activity.
It goes completely dead by today's definition of death. Then in the spring, it wakens, brain activity
resumes, heart starts beating. It's alive again.
Shirley Schmidt: And you think, if it's possible for a frog....?
Dr. Malcolm Freemont: Why not for a human? If we can accomplish total metabolic arrest with no
tissue damage, we will be able to freeze people for thousands of years and bring them back to
life.
Shirley Schmidt: Thank you, Doctor.
Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: Humans are warm-blooded animals, designed to
stay at 98 degrees. Those frogs are cold-blooded with a completely different molecular structure.
Dr. Malcolm Freemont: Admittedly, the future of cryonics involves the development of molecular
technology.
Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: For which there is no evidence it can work with
warm-blooded animals.
Dr. Malcolm Freemont: Yes, there is. We have frozen rat livers, thawed them and transplanted
them into living rats. In Israel they did it with frozen hearts. In both cases the rats lived--not for
long--but the livers and hearts did come back to life. With humans, we've frozen heart valves...
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Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: And you think the idea of freezing people is ethical?
Is that consistent with....?
Dr. Malcolm Freemont: It's evidently ethical to freeze embryos. But again, I'm up here to give you
the science, not engage in a moral debate.
Denny is still counting silently.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Denny, Milton and Shirley are walking in the corridor.
Milton Bombay: He kicked their ass! And the best part of it was he had integrity, which is what
you need in your expert. What'd he cost us?
Shirley Schmidt: Twenty-five hundred.
Milton Bombay: The whore!
Tara Wilson: She comes up. Schmidt.
Shirley Schmidt: How we doing?
Tara Wilson: The leading federal case would be Chiavo. It’s not First Circuit, but since the
Supreme Court just refused to hear the appeal, we could argue its controlling.
Shirley Schmidt: I want to read it. Can you make me a copy? You want to read it, Denny?
Denny Crane: Hell, no. He walks away.
Milton Bombay: To Tara. Can I talk to you in private for a second, please? They go into the
conference room. I uh, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of your superiors, but it seems to
me the controlling case on this would be Cruzon. The whole thrust of Rehnquist's opinion was
autonomy--the patient's right to decide.
Tara Wilson: The opinion was muddled. It was essentially three-pronged: autonomy, the patient's
best interest, and the state's interest to preserve life. You'd win on prong one, but you’d likely lose
on prongs two and three. You're much better off arguing Chiavo. Milton doesn’t’ reply. Mr
Bombay?
Milton Bombay: Yes?
Tara Wilson: Are you all right?
Milton Bombay: Ah, yes. It's just that you brought me back to a, a memory of... I think I was
happiest as a lawyer when I was a young associate. Ha, ha. Ah, ha. I hated doing all the grunt
work, but there was all the promise of tomorrow. Shirley comes and stands in conference
room doorway to listen. Would you have dinner with me tonight, Tara?
Shirley Schmidt: Milton? Why don't you have it with me?
In Judge Peter Harding’s courtroom, Steven Harper is on the stand.
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: Why this one particular network?
Steven Harper: Look, I know that all the networks pander, some to the Liberals, some to the
Conservative, but when a news organization goes as far as to actually promote a political
agenda.
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: Can I dial you back one second? How do they do that?
Steven Harper: Well, first, the broadcasts speak for themselves. Their CEO used to be the chief
media operative for former Republican presidents.
Alan Shore: I object to his open mind, Judge.
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: Move to strike.
Judge Peter Harding: Sustained.
Steven Harper: And then when I saw the documentary "Outfoxed," it blew my mind.
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: Because...?
Steven Harper: Because it detailed the extent to which the media can go to promote conservative
Republican causes.
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: Your Honor, we'd like to show you a brief series of clips from this
documentary.
Clip 1: We weren't necessarily, as it was told to us, a news-gathering organization so much as we
were a proponent of a point of view.
Clip 2: They wanted all news to be a matter of opinion. We were ordered from the top to carry
propaganda, carry Republican, rightwing, propaganda.
Clip 3: It was made very clear to us that our activities were being monitored, and if someone
wasn't watching it live, they were at least recording it, and they would review after the fact to see
what we did.
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Steven Harper: If you watch the documentary, and I strongly suggest that you do, you'll see that
this goes on and on and on, and these accounts are from people on the inside.
Judge Peter Harding: Okay. But to put a device on the television?
Steven Harper: I hate the idea of shutting down free expression, but this became more of a safety
issue.
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: A safety issue?
Steven Harper: They've got their talk show hosts declaring that anyone who is opposed to the
war is an enemy of the state. A traitor! We're getting more and more fights. Kids are being
attacked for being unpatriotic. Arab and Muslim students are being targeted. Maybe this little
device is overkill, I admit that, but I've got a high school to run, and the first order of the day is
keep the kids safe.
Alan Shore: I thought the first order of an academic community was embracing diversity of
opinion.
Steven Harper: Not when it's a bias that fosters intolerance.
Alan Shore: Did you attach any little blockers to networks that lie about Presidents, and say… the
National Guard.
Steven Harper: I don't dispute there's a Liberal bias, too.
Alan Shore: But you don't censure those networks.
Steven Harper: Those networks don't foster intolerance.
Alan Shore: Any blockers for shock jocks? Or is racism a misogyny not a concern?
Steven Harper: Look, there's a lot of garbage out there. I'll admit that.
Alan Shore: What about your own teachers?
Steven Harper: My teachers?
Alan Shore: A recent poll showed six out of seven college professors voted for John Kerry. Does
that not suggest a bias in academia, Mr Harper?
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: Objection.
Alan Shore: We've got countless news programs. Too many talk shows to keep track of, all kinds
of opinions being spewed out over the air waves. Extremes to the left, to the right. And the only
thing you block...?
Steven Harper: That's actually not true. There’s all kinds of programs we don't permit.
Alan Shore: But this is the only news show?
Steven Harper: Look, what does it say that they make a device to block out this particular news
network?
Alan Shore: It says that censorship is popular. That doesn't make it right.
Steven Harper: And as principal I have to make that call. And let me say this: I am a proud
American. I got a flag on my porch. I pray for those troops every night. I taught some of those
kids. They're over there fighting for democracy which includes the right for you to question your
government. And for this network to be saying otherwise offends me as a citizen and as a
principal.
Alan Shore: I see. So…? You're squashing content to promote democracy.
Steven Harper: Once again, I will shut down any content that fosters intolerance. That is where I
stand.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Shirley is in her office.
Denny Crane: He comes in. You’re going to dinner? With him?
Shirley Schmidt: I wanna find out what’s really going on here.
Denny Crane: What’s going on is a runaway ego. It’s all about spotlight. The man wishes he were
me.
Shirley Schmidt: We all wish that, Denny.
Denny Crane: I know Mi... I, I go way back with Milton. I know Milton like the back of my hand. He
knows he’s gonna lose that motion. No risk of him being frozen. In the meantime he’s all over the
news. I’m tellin’ ya, man wants to be me!
Shirley Schmidt: Even so. I’m gonna have a little talk with him.
Denny Crane: He’s gonna insist you go to Nicky Blair’s. Watch.
Shirley Schmidt: Sorry?
Denny Crane: He pays them to let him sing.
Shirley Schmidt: I beg your pardon?
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Denny Crane: He slips the maître d' a hundred bucks to come over to the table and say, “Please,
Mr Bombay, sing us a song.” It’s all about the limelight with Milton. I promise ya.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Alan is in his office. Chelina is with him.
Chelina Hall: What do you mean, lose? We’re on the side of the First Amendment.
Alan Shore: The problem is school principals do have a wide discretion. And the material is
arguably inflammatory. If they can classify it as disruptive speech. Plus, I don’t know which
newscast you’ve been watching recently but, the First Amendment is losing its luster lately. Some
networks are even censoring their scripted dramas.
Chelina Hall: So what do we go with if not freedom of expression?
TV announcer: Meanwhile, actor Vince Odoms, you know him as the judge in the Michael
Jackson reenactment trial, has abruptly quit, to go play Phil Spector in the reenactment of that
trial on a competing network. FBS president Rick Silverman is threatening to sue, claiming the
actor is under contract, and it would be a material breech to walk in the middle of ongoing
litigation. Meanwhile, it was learned today the Los Angelo’s County Sheriff’s office reportedly…
In a restaurant.
Milton Bombay: So? What’s the point?
Shirley Schmidt: The point?
Milton Bombay: Of us having dinner. What’s the point? If it’s sexual, I’ll need notice, so I can take
my little pill.
Shirley Schmidt: You asked to have dinner with Tara? What was the point of that?
Milton Bombay: With her, I wouldn’t need a pill.
Shirley Schmidt: You’ve talked a wonderful game about the future. About wanting to perpetuate
your legacy into the next century. But, when you were talking to Tara, what I observed was a man
looking backwards. A man, who, perhaps is lonely.
Milton Bombay: You’ve got it wrong.
Shirley Schmidt: I saw melancholy, Milton. And melancholy accompanied by the desire to be
dead… Is this Milton Bombay looking to check out in a way that doesn’t tarnish his grand
reputation? Denny thinks you don’t want to win this case. Which would explain your hiring him.
But you also hired me. You lost your wife, your job…Are you just giving up, Milton?
Milton Bombay: Let me tell you something. As science and medicine continue to evolve, so must
the law to keep pace! I’m blazing the trail as a patient today so I can continue to set the standard
as a lawyer tomorrow. That’s what this is about!
Shirley Schmidt: Okay.
Maître d': Mr Bombay, the band and some of the patrons have requested that you grace us with a
song tonight.
Milton Bombay: Yes. Tell em to vamp, ‘She’s Making Eyes’, I’ll be right up, Walter.
Maître d': Excellent. Thank you, sir.
Milton Bombay: I happen to believe in reincarnation. And I also believe things even out. Given the
hand I was dealt this time. I could be in for some serious hardships the next go-around. And I
don’t want that in my next life. I wanna be me all over again. Milton Bombay!
Shirley Schmidt: Got it.
MC: Ladies and gentlemen! A treat! A special guest performance from that legendary barrister,
Milton Bombay!
Applause.
Milton Bombay: Thank you. Thank you. Good to be here folks. Here’s one of my favorites. I hope
it’s one of yours too.
Ma! She makin eyes at me.
Ma! She’s awful nice to me.
Ma! She’s almost breakin my heart.
I’m beside her.
Mercy let her conscience guide her.
Ma! She wants to marry me.
Be my honeybee.
Every minute she gets bolder.
Now she’s leaning on my shoulder.
Ma! She’s kissing me!
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Applause.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Denny is in his office, Milton is with him.
Milton Bombay: What do you mean you’re closing? What happened to Shirley?
Denny Crane: Milton. There’s a reason you came to me in the first place. In your gut you know
I’m better than you. Go with your gut.
Milton Bombay: I’d sooner gonna go with my intestine. I prefer Shirley doing the closing.
Shirley Schmidt: She comes in. I’m not doing it. To Denny. And neither are you.
Denny Crane: Well, who does that leave? Uh, um, Tammy?
Milton Bombay: Tara.
Shirley Schmidt: As I said from the start, the law doesn’t support us here. If we’re going to get a
court order allowing you to die, which would be the result in today’s world. That Judge is going to
have to hear from you.
Milton Bombay: He did hear from me.
Shirley Schmidt: I don’t think so. If this is only about you getting to perpetuate your legacy in the
next century, I’m afraid you’re gonna have to make do with sustaining it in this one. You need to
do better. And Milton, for my money, any guy who’s asking to get stuck in a freezer isn’t that
desperate to live.
In Judge Peter Harding’s courtroom.
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: Every major media watchdog group has labeled this news program as
the most biased, right wing news program on television.
Judge Peter Harding: So what? Political bias is rampant throughout the news business. Including
Liberal bias.
Attorney Elizabeth Tyler: We’re not talking about just a slant, Judge. A recent poll showed that the
more people watch this news show, the less they know about foreign policy, and the more
inclined they are to support the government. Now that may be good team spirit, but it’s
disgraceful journalism.
Judge Peter Harding: But come on. You talk about a democracy. What kind of principal censors
free expression?
Steven Harper: Um, Your Honor? If I may? The Judge nods. Any principal has the right, if not
the obligation to rail against biased wherever he sees it. You saw that tape!
Judge Peter Harding: Which was also biased and self-serving.
Steven Harper: Their most popular commentator threatens retribution against those who descent.
It almost rises to the level of hate speech, and if in my view, it jeopardizes the welfare of the
students, I certainly have the authority to shut it down.
Judge Peter Harding: Mr Shore, this is a school. Is it wise to expose students to programs which
send a message you’re anti-American if you question the government?
Alan Shore: Your Honor, before we convict them as the network of Conservative values, or any
values for that matter, let’s remember these are the folks who brought you Joe Billionaire and
Who’s your Papa?
Judge Peter Harding: That’s the entertainment division, Mr Shore. I’m talking about the news.
Alan Shore: And I’m telling you it’s all the same. This isn’t about political content. This is
corporation looking to make money. They began as alternative news programming to grab a
market share. They saw ratings and profit in a Conservative demographic and they’ve been
waving the flag ever since and so what! News today, all of it, is infotainment. Last February a
deadly toxin known as Rizen was found in the mail room of the Senate majority leader. Headline
news led with Janet Jackson’s exposed breast. A month ago, while we’re in the middle of a war,
news casts all across the country led with Prince Harry’s costume at a keg party. It’s a business!
And while some news groups go with the deeper social issues like Brad and Jennifer’s breakup,
the one here chooses to run with red, white and blue. And by the way, before you vilify them, a
survey done in 2002 revealed that 70 percent of the people in this country believe it is good when
news organizations take a strong, pro-American, point of view. 70 percent!
Judge Peter Harding: Does that make it right?
Alan Shore: Of course it makes it right! Because the rule in infotainment is, give the people what
they want. This is money, Your Honor, not politics. Let me say, I am a great lover of the news.
Judge Peter Harding: I can see that.
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Alan Shore: I watch it all. On days like 9/11 or for other world-changing events the news
programs are nothing short of spectacular. When Martin Luther King delivered I Have a Dream.
When President Kennedy was shot. When we walked on the moon. The Ted Offensive? Are lives
are shaped by these events, in part because of the news. But on all other days they’re
businesses, looking to compete like anybody else in a highly competitive marketplace. They sell
product. And even if you’re determined to believe that this particular network is some evil empire
looking to spread right-wing propaganda, that still doesn’t change the fact that we’re in this room
today, because a principal is shutting down the expression of ideas simply because he disagrees
with the content. If anything needs a champion today, it’s the First Amendment. In a recent poll,
half of today’s high school students thought newspapers should get government approval of
stories before publishing them. The First Amendment has become an endangered species, and
here we have a high school principal practicing censorship. My, my. We do have a problem.
In Judge James Billmeyer’s courtroom, Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham is
giving his closing.
Assistant Attorney General Doug Beecham: There is nothing in the law to support Mr Bombay’s
request that he be assisted in his quest to die. And that’s what this is. Assisted suicide. Now, we
hear a lot of talk about personnel autonomy. But there is a sanctity to life, Your Honor. A State
has interest in that sanctity. If we erode that in any way, well… we make the idea of suicide more
acceptable. Perhaps more conceivable for the troubled teenager or the depressed mother. You
say suicide in some situations is an option. But we have an overriding State interest, and a
humane one, in not sending that message.
Denny Crane: He gets up, Shirley stops him. You…
Shirley Schmidt: That was beautiful, now sit.
A beat.
Milton Bombay: At the risk of sounding immodest, I am one of the greatest lawyers, possibly the
greatest to grace the courtrooms of this commonwealth. Denny Crane tries to get up, possibly
to protest, Shirley stops him. And just the possibility of being to still try cases in the twentysecond
century. Uh, A long pause. I have ALS. In a few months I’ll lose motor control, control of
my bowels, my brain will begin to… ha, ha. In a year or so I’ll be dead. Legends shouldn’t die like
that. I don’t wanna die like that. Cryonics might not work, but a hundred years ago nobody was
talking about cloning, or the human genome, and a hundred years from now, who knows what’s
possible? I truly, truly, love life, and the chance to be living again seems preferable to eternal
nothingness. And uh, ha, well, what, what Red Sox fan wouldn’t jump at the chance to lie next to
Ted Williams? I realize, Your Honor, that no Judge would do what I’m asking for. He walks over
to the table, then turns back. Do it anyway,
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Milton Bombay is out on the balcony puffing on a cigar.
Denny joins him..
Denny Crane: Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?
Milton Bombay: Because I’m a tree. When I fall I want it to be in a forest.
Denny Crane: What the hell does that mean?
Milton Bombay: It means I didn’t want anybody to know. I don’t wanna be pitied. All I want is to
be…
Denny Crane: Denny Crane. They both take a puff on their cigars. Mine’s bigger. You know...
I’ve always admired you, Milton.
Milton Bombay: I’m not dead yet. When is the Judge gonna rule?
Denny Crane: Said by tonight.
In Judge Peter Harding’s courtroom.
Judge Peter Harding: I grew up watching Walter Cronkite. It was a time the news seemed to be
fair, objective, trusted. In fact whenever we doubted the blather coming out of the politician’s
mouths, it was the press we turned to get a sense of the truth. Well. Walter Cronkite has definitely
left the building. When it comes to credibility, big media is dead. Networks pander. Some to
Conservatives, others to Liberals. This past election you could turn to one channel to see
President Bush ahead, turn to another to see Kerry leading. Ridiculous. And I agree with Mr
Shore, it’s probably more about money than ideology. And being about money, well, why
shouldn’t networks be free to adopt a bias in hopes of attracting a bigger audience? This is
10
America. Mr Harper, I realize times have changed in the high schools as well. Hate violence is on
the rise. Administrators have to be freer to curtail students of liberties including disruptive speech.
But attaching a device to a television that blocks out a certain network because of the content?
That seems to go too far. It’s censorship, Sir. And I can’t let it stand. The motion for the plaintive
is granted. He pounds his gavel and leaves the bench.
Stuart Miltch: I don’t know what to say, Mr Shore. You were incredibly brilliant.
Alan Shore: Yes.
Chelina Hall: If there’s any retribution at the school, let us know.
Stuart Miltch: Yeah, I will. Thank you both. Your country thanks you. He leaves.
Alan Shore: To Chelina. My country thanks me.
In Judge James Billmeyer’s courtroom. All parties present.
Denny Crane: To Milton. This is where he gives his ruling.
Milton Bombay: Thank you.
Judge James Billmeyer: Mr Bombay, it seems ironic, if not indecent, that the State’s interest in
preserving life should mandate that you should die a wrenching and painful death, rather than be
frozen in hopes of finding a cure. But that is the law as it stands today. We live in a country that
celebrates individual liberties and personnel autonomy, but when it comes to controlling your own
destiny, this is a freedom that does not yet ring. I will pray for you, but I cannot grant you your
request. Your motion is denied. He pounds his gavel. God bless you.
Shirley Schmidt: I’m sorry.
Denny Crane: We can appeal. Next time I’ll close.
Milton Bombay: That’s all right. That’s all right. I’m a, I’m heading for Arizona, try my luck with the
courts down there.
Shirley Schmidt: Milton. No court anywhere is going to rule in your favor.
Milton Bombay: Even so. There’s a Cryonics facility there, so whenever the time comes…
Shirley Schmidt: Do you know anybody in Arizona?
Milton Bombay: No. And that’s the point. I don’t wanna deteriorate in front of my…
Shirley Schmidt: Clearly you’re not inclined to follow my advice, but do not go off to die alone.
Milton Bombay: Hey. You live your way, Shirley, I’ll die mine. I’m entitled to be remembered for…
A beat. Ah. Thank you both for your efforts. He walks away.
Denny Crane: He goes after Milton. Milton. Milton! We go way back you and I.
Milton Bombay: Ha. Let’s not get carried away. We were worthy adversaries, occasional drinking
buddies, but it’s not as if we had great affection for one another.
Denny Crane: Anyway… He clasps Milton’s hand. We’ll see ya, Milton.
Milton Bombay: Oh. Yeah. See ya. See ya, Den… Denny grabs his arm, then moves in to give
him a hug. They share a long hug as Denny pats Milton on the back.
Denny Crane: Good bye, my friend.
Milton Bombay: Bye. Good bye. Good bye.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Denny is out on the balcony.
Alan Shore: He joins Denny. Sorry.
Denny Crane: Hey. People get old. Get sick. Happens to everybody.
Alan Shore: How close were you?
Denny Crane: It’s not that we went that deep. It’s… we went…
Alan Shore: Way back.
Denny Crane: You can be larger than life, just not dead.
Alan Shore: He went off to Arizona?
Denny Crane: Yeah. I really admired him more than… A beat. You go through life and you never
tell people how much you care about em, when… People should probably do that more, you
know?
Alan Shore: I care about you.
Denny Crane: I wasn’t fishing for that. Fish for steelhead, not mush.
Alan Shore: I care about you, Denny. You don’t have to say it back.
Denny Crane: Wasn’t planning to.