1
Boston Legal
It Girls and Beyond
Season 1, Episode 13
Written by Jonathan Shapiro and David E. Kelley
© 2005 David E. Kelley Productions. All Rights Reserved.
Broadcast: January 23, 2005
Transcribed by Imamess of JSMP for JSMP and Boston-Legal.org
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Lori Colson is in her office. Brad Chase is with
her.
Lori Colson: The trial starts tomorrow?
Brad Chase: I can bring you up to speed on it. The facts are straight forward.
Lori Colson: And why can’t Tara do it?
Brad Chase: Well… Tara’s a junior associate. This trial’s gonna to be in the news,
it’s hardly the kind of case that…
Lori Colson: Brad! It isn’t the case so much as it is the client? Right? And it isn’t
who she is, so much as what she is, right? What is she Brad? He doesn’t answer.
Can’t you even say the word?
Brad Chase: I can say it.
Lori Colson: Well, what is she Brad?
Brad Chase: She’s a… homosexual.
Lori Colson: And what’s the word for a female homosexual?
Brad Chase: Lesbian.
Lori Colson: I couldn’t really hear that.
Brad Chase: She’s a lesbian.
Lori Colson: Hah! You don’t wanna do the case because your client’s a lesbian?
Brad Chase: Lori, this is a high profile case. I’ve worked my entire life to associate
with decency and what is good for America.
Lori Colson: And lesbians are bad for America?
Brad Chase: They have bad values. Reflects poorly on all of us.
Lori Colson: As a nation? He sighs. Now would you like to tell me the real reason?
Brad Chase: What do you mean?
Lori Colson: I know for a fact you’ve represented gay clients before.
Brad Chase: Not on television. Not in the news.
Lori Colson: Brad, we’re friends. Level with me. What is it about this particular
lesbian?
Brad Chase: I’m attracted to her.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, at the morning staff meeting in the conference.
Alan Shore: Why does Shirley get to skip the staff meetings?
Paul Lewiston: She’s got a trial in New York later this week so she has a busy day.
Brad Chase: Some of us have trials today, so if you don’t mind, I’d like to cut out.
Lori Colson: What’s your case about, Brad?
Alan Shore: What is it about?
Brad Chase: It involves interference with contractual relations.
Alan Shore: You mean… lesbians?
Paul Lewiston: Where are you?
Brad Chase: Today they’re calling Tracy to testify that her ex-lover was…
Alan Shore: Lesbian, ex-lover.
Brad Chase: ... to testify that Tracy was scamming her for money. Tracy was in fact
not an actual bonified…
Alan Shore: Lesbian?
Brad Chase: You like saying it?
Alan Shore: I do.
Brad Chase: Say it again!
Alan Shore: Lesbian.
Brad Chase: Keep going.
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Alan Shore: Lesbian. Lesbian. Lesbian. All together now!
All: Lesbian!
Alan Shore: I also like to watch. How many people have…
Paul Lewiston: All right, that’s enough, this is a staff meeting. I’ll ask you all to
conduct yourselves appropriately and professionally.
Catherine Piper: She comes in with a plate of cookies. Cookies everyone!
Nourishment is most important in the morning.
Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman?
Catherine Piper: Take two Tara, you’re a rail.
Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman?
Catherine Piper: The ones on the left have a little bran. To help our older lawyers
with their routine.
Paul Lewiston: Who is this woman?
Catherine Piper: I’m Catherine Piper. I’m Alan’s new assistant. My! Don’t you have
an interesting face?
Paul Lewiston: We are in the middle of a staff meeting.
Catherine Piper: No need to be snippy, Dear. Especially since I come bearing
treats. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. To Lori. You
certainly make one. All that bleach.
Paul Lewiston: Ma’m? You will have to leave.
Catherine Piper: I’m beginning to not like you.
Denny Crane: Well! If you’ll excuse me, I have a trial myself.
Paul Lewiston: You have a trial?
Denny Crane: Yes, tomorrow morning. I’ve gotta go meet with my client.
Paul Lewiston: What kind of trial?
Denny Crane: Criminal. It’s a doctor who did… something… against the law.
Paul Lewiston: Who else is with you on this trial?
Denny Crane: Nobody. I decided to fly solo. Think about that! Tell Shirley. Denny
Crane without a co-pilot.
Paul Lewiston: Dear God in heaven.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, in the men’s room. Alan comes out of a stall to
find Shirley leaning against the counter, waiting for him.
Alan Shore: Shirley?
Shirley Schmidt: Alan?
Alan Shore: You’re in the men’s room again.
Shirley Schmidt: I need a favor.
Alan Shore: Certainly. My stall or yours?
Shirley Schmidt: Driving into work this morning, I heard of a trial involving this new
wonder diet drug… the drug, and accordingly the trial, are making the news. And
then I heard something very disturbing. The name of the lawyer handling the
defense.
Alan Shore: Denny Crane.
Shirley Schmidt: Nobody wants this firm held up to ridicule. Nobody wants Denny
exposed.
Alan Shore: I’ve been in court with Denny. He knows what he’s doing, at least fifty
percent of the time.
Shirley Schmidt: I like him. You like him. I have to be in New York.
Denny Crane: He comes in. If she tries to pee standing up come and get me. He
goes into a stall. Lock and Load.
At the courthouse, Brad, Tracy Green and Tara Wilson are walking down the
corridor.
Tara Wilson: Tracy, we can still make this go away.
Tracy Green: How many times must you both say that?
Brad Chase: Until you consider it. Are you sure you want your personal life probed,
with details at 11:00?
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Tracy Green: I didn’t steal from her. And I won’t offer her anything to settle. I’d
appreciate you being on my side.
Brad Chase: Hey! I’m on your side.
Tracy Green: Right.
In Judge William Connolly’s courtroom Stephanie Rogers is in the witness
chair.
Stephanie Rogers: We met at an AIDs fundraiser about two years ago. We were
both publicists so we had a lot in common.
Attorney Morrison: And at some point, Ms Rogers, you and the defendant became
lovers?
Stephanie Rogers: Yes. She moved into my home, ultimately we became business
partners and formed Rogers and Green, which became one of the top PR firms in
Boston.
Attorney Morrison: And what happened?
Stephanie Rogers: Well, quite simply, after she gained access to my files and my
clients she stole them.
Brad Chase: Objection!
Judge William Connolly: Sustained.
Stephanie Rogers: I since learned that she’s not even gay, that she basically
pretended to be so that she could gain access to my client roster.
Attorney Morrison: Now Ms Rogers, when you allege that the defendant pretended
to be gay…
Stephanie Rogers: She had boyfriends before me and one after, perhaps that
makes her bisexual, it doesn’t make any difference, because I specifically asked
her that at the beginning of our relationship.
Attorney Morrison: Whether she was bisexual?
Stephanie Rogers: Yes. I’d been hurt before by heterosexual women
experimenting, and I didn’t wanna go down that road again. She told me she was
gay. That was a lie, one that cost me valuable clients.
Brad Chase: Just let me understand this. The bases of your claim is that my client
faked her sexual orientation for the sole purpose of getting you to fall in love with
her so that she could move into your home… and business and steal your clients?
Stephanie Rogers: Yes!
Brad Chase: When in fact it wasn’t only your business. You built it up together over
the two years.
Stephanie Rogers: I founded the company, and most of the clients that she left with
were mine.
Brad Chase: Now Ms Rogers, as business partners, as a couple, you two were
quite prominent. Isn’t that right? Your photos were constantly in the Globe or
Boston magazine being called the new IT Girls. You two got more publicity than
your clients.
Stephanie Rogers: It works to the client’s benefit as well, so I don’t see your point.
Brad Chase: My point is you two got a lot of publicity together, as a couple,
business just went through the roof. Even if you were defrauded, it wasn’t exactly to
your financial detriment.
Stephanie Rogers: It was certainly to my detriment, when she left.
Brad Chase: Well, but even so. You make more money now than you did before
even meeting Tracy, so how could you have been hurt?
Stephanie Rogers: How have I been hurt? She caused me to fall in love with her!
That…
Brad Chase: That’s what this really about. Isn’t it Ms Rogers? This isn’t a business
dispute. This is a domestic one. Did she break your heart?
Attorney Morrison: Objection!
Judge William Connolly: I’ll allow it.
Brad Chase: Did she break your heart?
Stephanie Rogers: Yes.
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Brad Chase: You were in love with her? Now Ms Rogers, during the two years that
you were together with my client, do you feel that she was in love with you?
Stephanie Rogers: Yes.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, in Denny’s office. Denny is with a client, Dr
Robert Mclean.
Dr Robert Mclean: Obviously should I get a criminal conviction that will only make it
easier for AMA to take a way my medical license.
Brad Chase: Well, you’re gonna lose your license Bob, so I won’t worry about…
Dr Robert McLean: Why? There are many doctors out there prescribing medication
the FDA hasn’t approved for…
Denny Crane: May I stop you? Don’t be self-righteous. It’s annoying.
Alan Shore: He comes in. Sorry I’m late.
Denny Crane: What are you doing here?
Alan Shore: You asked me to second-chair, Denny. Remember? To Dr Mclean.
Alan Shore.
Dr Robert McLean: He shakes Alan’s hand. Bob McLean.
Denny Crane: Alan? He waves Alan into another room. I never asked you to
second-chair.
Alan Shore: Sure you did, Denny! You said you were trying the case…
Denny Crane: Solo! I said, “Solo!”
Alan Shore: Well I thought you asked for backup, so I guess one of us is losing our
mind.
Denny Crane: What do you mean by that?
Alan Shore: Denny, I’m here! As you know I’m starved for criminal work.
Denny Crane: I want to do this alone.
Alan Shore: Is this about proving something? You said, “Tell Shirley.” Is about
proving to Shirley Schmidt you haven’t slipped?
Denny Crane: Excuse me. I’m in a meeting.
Alan Shore: Denny, I don’t have time to say this nicely. So! I’m just gonna say it
with all the rough edges. This is a criminal proceeding; that man’s liberty could be at
stake. I’m jumping in, second-chair, to cover his ass, and yes, possibly yours as
well.
In a bar, Brad and Tracy are having a drink.
Brad Chase: Could it be possible she’s doing this for the publicity?
Tracy Green: Suing me?
Brad Chase: Well, call me a cynic, but for two years you’re the IT girls. You’re
Boston’s top publicists. Business starts to wane. You leave. She’s suddenly not the
flavor of the month. She sues you. Presto! Hot copy is the Split Girls all over again.
For the cost of attorney and filing fee she’s featured on every newscast.
Tracy Green: As much as she love’s the limelight, Stephanie’s honorable.
Brad Chase: Yeah, I wonder.
Tracy Green: Is there a reason you keep looking at me like that?
Brad Chase: Like what?
Tracy Green: I make you nervous. You need to get over that.
Brad Chase: So how many men have you been with?
Tracy Green: Why are you asking?
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt in the kitchen. Lori and Brad are having a cup of
coffee.
Brad Chase: I asked her because she’s going to be asked on the stand why she
has such a hard time giving me a straight answer. However…
Lori Colson: Is because?
Brad Chase: I have doubts that she really is one.
Lori Colson: A homosexual?
Brad Chase: Yes.
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Brad Chase: And are these doubts based on the plaintiff’s evidence? Or your own
scientific compass?
Lori Colson: Is she attracted to you, Brad?
Brad Chase: She might be. Lori chuckles. What?
Lori Colson: Why is it men…? I mean is it the idea of losing one to the other side, or
is it since you have feeling for her you’re anxious to feel it’s mutual?
Brad Chase: You see? You sucker me with this buddy talk; get me to reveal my
feelings. But when I do… you punish me with them.
Lori Colson: I thought you were attracted to me.
Brad Chase: You don’t wanna go there.
Lori Colson: Even so. To be forgotten so easily. And for a homosexual?
Brad Chase: Is there something taped to my head that says, “Mock me.”?
Catherine Piper: She comes in and goes to get a cup of coffee. Isn’t coffee a
lovely drug? I love brain stimulants, don’t you? Uh, Catherine Piper!
Brad Chase: Brad Chase.
Catherine Piper: Brad Chase? You’re defending a lesbian!
Brad doesn’t reply. He just leaves.
Lori Colson: Hi! I’m Lori Colson, we haven’t officially met.
Catherine Piper: Hello, Dear. Catherine Piper.
Lori Colson: For the future. I don’t really appreciate comments about my hair.
Catherine Piper: Oh! I’m sorry. I was just trying to make conversation. And I
assumed you wouldn’t want me to go anywhere near your eyebrows.
In Judge Paul Resnick’s courtroom, Mark Harrison is on the stand.
Mark Harrison: I tried diets. All of them. I exercised. I’d gone on Phen Phen years
ago, and that helped a little, but… mainly I just kept gettin bigger.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: And at some point the defendant mentioned a new drug?
Mark Harrison: Yes. I forgot how he said he had access to it, but, basically he said
he had this new drug, not on the market yet, called Vermonaband, and studies
showed, how, it could help people lose weight. And desperate as I was, I just said,
“Yes.”
A.D.A. Howard Zale: He sold you this drug? In his office?
Mark Harrison: Yes. And he told me not to tell anyone, because he said it was
illegal for him to be giving it to me.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Thank you, Mr Harrison.
Denny Crane: Can’t help but notice, you’re really fat.
Mark Harrison: Yes.
Denny Crane: Been fatter?
Mark Harrison: Much.
Denny Crane: Drug worked?
Mark Harrison: Huge! I mean I lost weight. My cholesterol went down. My HDL
actually went up!
Denny Crane: Hm
Mark Harrison: I mean it was a godsend. Of course, till the… you know, police cut
off my supplier.
Alan Shore: Objection to the word ‘supplier’, Your Honor. It makes my client sound
like a drug dealer.
Denny Crane: Well he is a drug dealer, he sold him drugs.
Alan Shore: Yes! But there’s a bias that goes with the word ‘dealer’. He simply
prescribed a medicine to help him live.
Denny Crane: He’s right.
Alan Shore: This man almost died. Didn’t he?
Denny Crane: Didn’t you?
Mark Harrison: I had high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes. I mean, I was
at serious risk for a major heart attack or a stroke, probably still am.
Denny Crane: Since you stopped taking the drug?
Mark Harrison: I’m having problems again.
Denny Crane: Did my client tell you that this drug is unapproved by the FDA?
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Mark Harrison: Yes.
Denny Crane: Did he tell you that there could be side affects?
Mark Harrison: Yes.
Denny Crane: You were fully informed?
Mark Harrison: I was.
Denny Crane: You consented?
Mark Harrison: I did.
Denny Crane: Take it again?
Mark Harrison: Absolutely!
Denny Crane: Like the doctor?
Mark Harrison: Love him.
Denny Crane: How’s your memory.
Mark Harrison: My memory’s fine.
Denny Crane: What’s my name.
Mark Harrison: Denny Crane.
Denny Crane: Like you mean it.
Mark Harrison: Denny Crane!
Denny Crane: What’s my name?!!
Mark Harrison: Denny Crane!!!
Denny Crane: No further questions.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, in Brad office. He and Tracy are watching a
newscast.
Newsperson: Stephanie Rogers is essentially accusing Ms Green of being a
heterosexual in sheep’s clothing. If successful the plaintiff could potentially receive
a judgment in excess of seven figures. Which why perhaps this…
Tracy Green: Wait, she wasn’t finished!
Brad Chase: It doesn’t matter how it’s playing out in public Tracy. What matters is
the twelve people in that box.
Tracy Green: And?
Brad Chase: I can’t tell. Well you’ve dated more men than women, so that puts you
on the heterosexual side of the fence. You certainly could have been confused as
they said, but... the problem is you’re coming off as anything but indecisive. You
seem like a woman who knows exactly what you want.
Tracy Green: What is that supposed to mean?
Brad Chase: Nothing.
Tracy Green: They stare at each other. You actually think that I’m attracted to you.
Brad Chase: I just believe you should be straight with people. But you know what I
mean. I smell some decent here.
Tracy Green: I’m gay, Brad. Do you want me to take a lie detector?
In Judge Paul Resnick’s courtroom, Dr Leonard Raskin is on the stand.
Dr.Leonard Raskin: People lament the cost of health care, they cry over soaring
litigation costs and scream about the eroding integrity of our medical profession.
The conduct of this doctor and others like him are to blame.
Denny Crane: Oh… Lighten up man.
Judge Paul Resnick: Mr Crane! You’ll get your turn.
Dr Leonard Raskin: We have rules. One is we do not go prescribing experimental
drugs that the FDA hasn’t approved for market.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Even if the patient consents?
Dr Leonard Raskin: The patient will always follow the lead of his doctor. For God’s
sake look what people buy off infomercials. They’ll try anything, hair potions; pills
that make you lose weight while you sleep. Desperate people will try anything. And
when you have a licensed doctor saying, “Here. Take this.”? They will.
Denny Crane: This isn’t a potion. This drug works.
Dr Leonard Raskin: In preliminary studies. But there’s much, much, more testing to
be done.
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Denny Crane: How long does it take the FDA to approve a drug?
Dr Leonard Raskin: It isn’t quick, but…
Denny Crane: How long?
Dr Leonard Raskin: Nine years.
Denny Crane: My client’s patient would be dead by then. But, hey! You got your
rules.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Objection!
Denny Crane: Oh be quiet.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Your Honor, he can’t tell me to be quiet.
Judge Paul Resnick: Let him have his turn, Mr Zale.
Denny Crane: You say that doctors shouldn’t prescribe non-FDA-approved drugs
as a rule.
Dr Leonard Raskin: Yes.
Denny Crane: Doctors don’t prescribe medications for things that the FDA hasn’t
approved them for?
Dr Leonard Raskin: Off label prescriptions happen, but…
Denny Crane: Doctor, have you ever prescribed a drug that wasn’t approved for the
particular condition you were treating?
Dr Leonard Raskin: Yes, but…
Denny Crane: And doctor, if you were overweight, and at risk for an eminent stroke
or heart attack. Is it your testimony that you would never consider taking
Vermonaband?
Dr Leonard Raskin: For myself, I might, but...
Denny Crane: But, you wouldn’t give your patient the same opportunity, because
you have rules.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Lori is in her office, Brad is with her.
Lori Colson: You’re going to be the first lawyer sued by his client for sexual
harassment.
Brad Chase: I’m a good lawyer because I got a nose for the truth, Lori.
Lori Colson: You’re attracted to her, Brad. It’s clouding your nose. Are you falling in
love with this woman?
Brad Chase: What? Please.
Lori Colson: Are you?
Brad Chase: Of course not. I put a tail on her.
Lori Colson: I beg your pardon?
Brad Chase: I hired a PI, just to follow her around, see who she sees.
Lori Colson: What she sees. You’re trying to out her as a heterosexual.
Brad Chase: I don’t like surprises in court.
Lori Colson: Okay. First? You could lose your bar ticket for putting a tail…
Brad Chase: Why? It’s not that big of a deal.
Lori Colson: Brad! She’s your client! Second, let the jury decide whether or not
she’s being truthful. You just be her lawyer, and only… And third, stop hitting on
her.
Brad leaves and walks out. Out in the corridor he walks by a group of people
standing around a table.
Alan Shore: Hey Brad? All together now!
All: Lesbian!
Shirley comes up.
Shirley Schmidt: Boy? How’s our trial going?
Denny Crane: You think I’m just gonna wither up and die in there, don’t you?
Shirley Schmidt: All these references to our sex life, Denny.
Denny Crane: Tell her how I’m doing, Alan.
Shirley Schmidt: Please. Since he can’t recall.
Alan Shore: He’s been amazing! I’d say we have a better than even chance.
Denny Crane: Ah. He and Alan leave.
Shirley Schmidt: To Catherine Piper standing next to her. Hello?
Catherine Piper: Hello.
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Shirley Schmidt: Is there a reason you’re snuggled up to me?
Catherine Piper: Why yes! I understand you’re the boss, Dear. I’m sucking up.
Shirley Schmidt: By standing next to me?
Catherine Piper: Yes! With me by your side, Dear, you almost look young!
Shirley Schmidt: I have no idea who you are. But I like you.
Catherine Piper: He-he-he.
Shirley Schmidt: To Alan walking by. Is he really doing okay?
Alan Shore: The firm is safe from ridicule.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, Alan is in his office.
Denny Crane: He comes in. What did she want? Make sure I’m competent?
Alan Shore: Something like that. You were more that competent today Denny, you
were good, very good.
Denny Crane: I know.
Alan Shore: We must be doing our crosswords these days.
Denny Crane: Did she ask you to backstop me?
Alan Shore: It was my idea.
Denny Crane: Damn liar.
Alan Shore: I like doing cases with you Denny. Can’t you just accept that? It’s fun.
Denny Crane: Fun. Fine. I’ll go with that then.
Alan Shore: You have seemed especially acute. Are we taking something?
Denny Crane: I just rubbed on a little clear cream. It was just for muscle cramps.
Alan Shore: Denny? Are you taking something?
Denny Crane: What I’m taking is good care of myself. The old Denny Crane is
coming back.
In Judge William Connolly’s courtroom.
Tracy Green: My business had reached sort of a plateau, and I felt I could do better
solo. And truthfully, I thought that she might to.
Brad Chase: Now before leaving, did you tell your clients?
Tracy Green: Absolutely not! I left. I contacted them. They decided to come with
me. In that order.
Brad Chase: Now Tracy, we’ve heard the accusation that you pretended to love
Stephanie for business reasons.
Tracy Green: It’s absolutely false. I… I fell in love with her. I mean, the idea that I
could feign love for two plus years… just… you know how much I loved you,
Stephanie.
Judge William Connolly: Ms Green, please do not address anyone but me or your
council.
Tracy Green: I never lied to her about my sexual orientation, and I’m offended by
that.
Attorney Morrison: How many women had you been with prior to your relationship
with my client.
Brad Chase: Objection!
Judge William Connolly: Overruled. However salacious, it’s in issue.
Attorney Morrison: How many women?
Tracy Green: One.
Attorney Morrison: One? And prior to your relationship with my client, how many
men had you had sexual relationships with?
Tracy Green: Several.
Attorney Morrison: Several? More than five?
Tracy Green: Yes.
Attorney Morrison: More than ten?
Tracy Green: I wanted to lead a heterosexual life, eventually I realized…
Attorney Morrison: My client asked you if you were bisexual. You answered, “No.”
Tracy Green: Because I’m not. I may have been with men in the past but ultimately
I realized I preferred women.
Attorney Morrison: How many relationships have you had since Stephanie?
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Tracy Green: One.
Attorney Morrison: A man or a woman.
Tracy Green: Well, the breakup with Stephanie was extremely painful…
Attorney Morrison: Your subsequent relationship was with a man or a woman?
Tracy Green: A man.
Attorney Morrison: A man? Now you spoke earlier about the exact order of how
things went down. Rewinding a little further back, you met Stephanie,.became her
lover, eventually became her business partner, left with clients and files, began
having an affair with a man. Did I get the order right?
At the courthouse, Tracy and Brad go into a witness room.
Tracy Green: I just got destroyed. Didn’t I?
Brad Chase: You didn’t get destroyed. It was a tough cross but I thought you held
up.
Tracy Green: Really?
Brad Chase: Really.
Tracy Green: You know, to think that I’m straight is to believe that I’m a profoundly
dishonest person, and I’m not dishonest, Brad.
Brad Chase: Okay.
Tracy Green: You know, I can take you doubting my sexual orientation, but my
character, I uh…
Brad Chase: I don’t doubt you.
Brad and Tara are in an elevator.
Brad Chase: She’s trying to admit something.
Tara Wilson: What? That she’s not gay?
Brad Chase: I don know. Maybe.
Tara Wilson: You’re making a fool of yourself, Brad.
Brad Chase: I know when I’m being deceived, Tara.
Tara Wilson: The deception is self-inflicted. You’re infatuated with her and you want
to believe it’s reciprocal. She’s probably more interested in me, than you. You’re
making a fool of yourself.
In Judge Paul Resnick’s courtroom.
Dr Robert Mclean: I considered it life or death. He was at risk of cardiac arrest,
diabetes.
Denny Crane: And this drug was your only resort?
Dr Robert Mclean: It was my last resort. Believe me, I’m not in the habit of
prescribing non-approved drugs, but this…
Denny Crane: Doctor, would you tell the jury, and me to, for that matter cause I’ve
forgotten, how Veromanabin works?
Dr Robert Mclean: I suppresses a protein in the brain that makes you want to eat. In
fact this drug blocks nearly all cravings. It can be used to help people quit smoking,
drinking, which is why it’s been called the wonder drug.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: So! You just figured what the hell, why wait for proof?
Dr Robert Mclean: My patient couldn’t wait Mr Zale. He was looking at an eminent
physical demise. In medical terms we call it death.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Any published studies on this drug? To justify this wonder
status you give it?
Dr Robert Mclean: Not yet.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Has this drug been approved for sale?
Dr Robert Mclean: Not yet.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: How’d you get your hands on this drug doctor?
Dr Robert Mclean: I had a connection at one of the clinics where it’s being tested. I
won’t reveal more than that.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: You’re a licensed doctor, prescribing a drug not approved by
the FDA, to desperate patients.
Dr Robert Mclean: With a full warning.
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A.D.A. Howard Zale: How can warn about a drug side affect you don’t know about?
Dr Robert Mclean: The warning I gave Mr Harrison was exactly that! This drug may
have side affects we don’t know about.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Possible fatal side effects?
Dr Robert Mclean: There’s no evidence of that.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: So you decide…
Dr Robert Mclean: Balancing the benefits against the known risks of a coronary if
he doesn’t take it, I favor taking the medication.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: This is an experimental drug!
Dr Robert Mclean: Which I have no financial in.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Which you boot leg!
Dr Robert Mclean: My only concern was a patient’s health.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: So! Doctor’s should feel free to ignore the FDA whenever they
choose?
Dr Robert Mclean: I never said that.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Oh, so you should feel free whenever you choose?
Dr Robert Mclean: Sometimes desperate circumstances require desperate
measures.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: And desperate people will do anything, won’t they?
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, in the men’s room, Denny is standing in front of
a urinal.
Paul Lewiston: He comes in. Denny?
Denny Crane: You’re checking on me in here too? Think I’ve forgotten how to piss?
Paul Lewiston: I beg your pardon?
Denny Crane: Tired of being followed around like some patient! I change my
underwear every day. I know how to practice law! And if you’re the one who
assigned Alan Shore to backstop me then you’d better stop…
Paul Lewiston: You’d listen!
Denny Crane: I’m still talking.
Paul Lewiston: Now I’m talking. You arrogant old fart! You have a client facing
prison time. You have no right to exalt your ego.
Denny Crane: Don’t you talk to me in that…
Paul Lewiston: Shut up! I am sick of you feeling sorry for yourself and only yourself.
It was selfish of you to try this case solo. Do not start a war with me here. You may
not win it!
Denny Crane: That’s why you brought Shirley back? To build an alliance! Guess
you’re the one who forgot how to piss.
In Judge William Connolly’s courtroom, Attorney Morrison is giving his
closing argument.
Attorney Morrison: Does it smell right to you? She had a history of men before my
client; she never hinted to her best friends that she was anything but heterosexual;
she had an affair with a man after she left my client. Her only fling with
homosexuality just happened to coincide with the biggest financial windfall of her
life. Suddenly being gay got her money. Got her profiled about town, in magazines,
on TV as an IT girl. New found fame, new found money, new found sexual
orientation. Does it smell right to you?
Brad Chase: In order to make a Cause Of Action for fraud, one must prove that he
or she relied on the fraud to his or her own detriment. Now after partnering with my
client, Ms Roger’s financial and professional fortunes soared. She benefited. In fact
one might even say, considering the media coverage of this lawsuit that she’s
actually benefiting from the breakup because as any PR professional knows,
there’s no such thing as bad publicity. But if you’re determined to get hung-up on
the issue, “Is Tracy Green gay or not?”, “Did she really love Stephanie or not?”
consider Stephanie’s own testimony when I asked her, during the relationship, as
she was living it, did she feel that Tracy loved her, and she answered was, “Yes.”
11
But now in the wake of hurt and heartbreak she offers a different answer. Which
version do you find more reliable?
At the courthouse, Brad is pacing out on the corridor. Tara comes off the
elevator.
Tara Wilson: Anything?
Brad Chase: Nah, they’re still deliberating. Tara hands him an . envelope. What’s
this?
Tara Wilson: I haven’t the slightest idea. Your secretary said you’d want it sooner,
rather than later. What is it?
Brad Chase: It’s nothing. It’s just another case I’m working on.
In Judge Paul Resnick’s courtroom.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Do I have to convince you of the danger of prescribing nonapproved
drugs? Defrauding overweight people with diet gimmicks is a billion dollar
industry? And now we’re going to let doctors get in on the racket and say, “It’s okay
to sell black market pills under the table.”? It’s precisely because physicians have
such an influence over their patients that we demand that drugs be approved by the
FDA. But this doctor decided he shouldn’t be held to that. This doctor figured he’s
above the law. This doctor is the equivalent of a drug dealer selling cocaine in an
alleyway, and he should be punished accordingly.
Alan Shore: He gets up. So does Denny> I thought I was closing.
Denny Crane: I’m first chair.
Alan Shore: You got to ask all the questions.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Objection! Your Honor, these two have tried to trivialize the
severity of this case with their Abbott and Costello routine. But it’s an insult to this
court.
Alan Shore: Your Honor, it’s only fair I get to do something here.
Judge Paul Resnick: Mr Shore. The court is anything but amused.
Alan Shore: I’m not…
Denny Crane: No. I, I, I, got it. We’ll split it. You go first.
Alan Shore: Fine. Okay. First, this big deal about FDA approval. Doctors prescribe
medications every day for uses the FDA never considered. Aspirin for years has
been used to prevent and treat heart attacks. Did the FDA ever test for that? No.
They were sanctioned only as a pain-reliever until recently. Beta blockers are
prescribed for migraines with no FDA approval; we take anticonvulsants for pain, for
Bipolar Disorders, antidepressants for insomnia, steroids for cancer. People in this
country are getting prescriptions by the thousands every day from their doctors, for
treatments the FDA has never signed off on. And what about the FDA? David
Graham a drug reviewer with the agency just testified before Congress that the
FDA is, I quote, “Virtually incapable of protecting America from unsafe drugs.” The
FDA is broken folks. Raise your hand if you agree. Except for those on Bioxin.
A.D.A. Howard Zale: Objection.
Alan Shore: The FDA’s own point man said to Congress, that we are currently
facing the single greatest drug safety catastrophe in the history of the world. So
who then is there to protect the patient? Who is there to protect Mr Harrision? His
doctor! My client had a medication that could save his patient’s life. He wasn’t going
to wait nine years for approval from a broken, ineffective agency. This is life or
death, for God’s sake. Life? Or Death?
Alan sits, Denny gets up.
Denny Crane: I’m at risk for Alzheimer’s. I got some sort of plaque inside my brain,
my memory… I might have met somebody before I wouldn’t know. What you
wouldn’t know is what it feels like to be… losing it, to be… feel… to be slipping.
There’s a prescription drug dextroamphetamine. It’s very big on the black market.
It’s used by college kids to bone up for exams. I’ve been taking it. He turns to look
at Alan. I don’t know how it works. But you get your memory back. It reintroduces
you to your vocabulary. Helps with mental arithmetic. Facial recognition. Go for all
productivity. Basically, you get your brain back. And no FDA or any other agency is
12
gonna tell me I don’t have the right to get back my brain. No government or
corporation is gonna tell me or order me to continue losing my mind. I agree with
the prosecutor. This claim that desperate people will try desperate measures. So
what?
In Judge William Connolly’s courtroom, the jury files in.
Judge William Connolly: Members of the jury…
In Judge Paul Resnick’s courtroom.
Judge Paul Resnick: …h(huán)ave you reached a verdict?
Master foreperson: Yes, we have, Your Honor.
In Judge William Connolly’s courtroom.
Madam foreperson: We have, Your Honor.
Judge William Connolly: What say you?
Madam foreperson: In the matter of Rogers versus Green…
In Judge Paul Resnick’s courtroom.
Master foreperson: In the matter of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Dr
Robert MacLean…
In Judge William Connolly’s courtroom.
Madam foreperson: We the jury find in favor of the defendant.
In Judge Paul Resnick’s courtroom.
Master foreperson: We find the defendant Dr Robert McLean, not guilty.
In Judge William Connolly’s courtroom.
Judge William Connolly: Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I wanna thank you for
your services. At this time you are dismissed. Court adjourned.
In a restaurant, Brad and Tracy are seated at a small table looking at the
menu.
Brad Chase: So, did she say anything after?
Tracy Green: Just shot me a look when she was leaving the courthouse. She’ll get
over it.
Brad Chase: You know, I bet she will.
Tracy Green: Who know, maybe we’ll even get back together one day.
Brad Chase: Wouldn’t be surprised.
Tracy Green: So. Why did you wanna have dinner Brad? To celebrate the victory?
Or take one last shot at conversion?
Brad Chase: I wanted to have dinner to apologize. I did a really terrible thing; I hired
a private investigator to follow you. I wanted to satisfy myself that you were really
gay. And I’m quite satisfied now. You went to see Stephanie around midnight last
night. Why would you do that? Well, I had it half right, didn’t I. You know, thinking
Stephanie sued you for the publicity. You were both in on it. IT girls or split girls,
however you make the news, you two are a really good team. Cause I knew I was
being deceived, I just wasn’t sure how.
Tracy Green: I didn’t plan for you to fall for me.
Brad Chase: Don’t flatter yourself.
Tracy Green: I think that I should leave.
Brad Chase: No, no, you don’t have to. We won the case. Come on this is a
celebration.
Tracy Green: I’m a… I’m gonna leave. Thank you, Brad. Uhm, and again I’m sorry
if..Uh… Thank you.
At Crane, Poole and Schmidt, out on the balcony Denny is having a drink.
Alan Shore: He comes out to join Denny.That drug you’re taking is an
amphetamine with a dangerously high potential for abuse and addiction.
Denny Crane: The shrinks are doling it out like candy.
Alan Shore: Might make you feel more acute, you’ll no doubt work like a demon, but
certain pleasures will be gone.
Denny Crane: Like?
13
Alan Shore: Perhaps fishing. Perhaps, sitting in a chair enjoying a football game.
Standing on a balcony appreciating the quiet joy of a friendship. There’s more to life
than recognizing faces, Denny.
Denny Crane: You prefer me in my fog?
Alan Shore: I prefer you. Your perspective. Your humor. The acceptance and
humility which perhaps can only come with age. I prefer you.
Denny Crane: I’ve stopped taking the drug. I kinda like my fog too. There’s a certain
license that goes with it. Plus, I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, the answers
in life, you don’t find them here, first you look to God… and… then...
Alan Shore: Fox News.
Denny Crane: Damn right. You Democrats.
Alan Shore: You Republicans.
Denny Crane: Shirley know I won?
Alan Shore: Told her myself.
Denny Crane: What did she say?
Alan Shore: She’d like to have your children.
Denny Crane: Damn right.
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