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Boston Legal
The Object of My Affection
Season 4, Episode 6
Written by Corinne Brinkerhoff & David E. Kelley
© 2007 David E. Kelley Productions. All Rights Reserved.
Airdate: November 6, 2007
Transcribed by ToxicAngel for Boston-Legal.org.
Transcribed from aired episode; this is not an official script. Images © 2007 ABC
Scene: Court Corridor
Alan Shore and his client Patrice Kelley are getting off of the elevator. There is a swarm of reporters with
cameras and microphones rushing at them with questions.
Alan Shore: Excuse Us.
Patrice Kelley: This might be a opportunity for a sound byte.
Alan Shore: The time for sound bytes is past.
Scene: Judge Byron Fudd’s Courtroom
Gretchen Winters is on the stand being questioned by ADA Stewart Betts
Gretchen Winters: It was a typical day, in a typical office place in America. But what would happen next was
anything but typical.
Judge Byron Fudd: Uh, Ms Winters, just tell us, try not to channel Stone Phillips.
Gretchen Winters: Yes your honor. As I said, I saw that woman enter (pointing to Patrice Kelley) and I knew
who she was.
ADA Stewart Betts: Let the record reflect that the witness has indicated the defendant.
Gretchen Winters: I followed Sean’s trial, the news had covered it extensively, her face was prominent being
that she was the mother of the victim. Oh she was a cool woman on camera, with a soft gentility, the belide…
Judge Byron Fudd: Uhm, Ms Winters.
Gretchen Winters: Yes, as I said, she entered and she walked toward Sean who was in his office right beside
my desk. While Gretchen is telling what happened, it flashes back to the scene of Patrice walking into
the office. She didn’t seem to be upset. She seemed calm, cool. As she got to Sean’s office, Sean said, “What
are you doing?” and she said, “I’ve
come to kill you Sean. Is this a bad
time?” Just like that. “Is this a bad
time?” I saw it, there in her hand, a
gun. End of Flashback.
Whitney Rome: Stop! Your Honor,
this is hearsay, if the witness is to
believed this wasn’t an exited
utterance from our client,…
ADA Stewart Betts: It was a
declaration against interest,
hearsay,…
Whitney Rome: No, our client
already admitted she shot him,…
ADA Stewart Betts: And she’s
claiming insanity. Testimony of her
demeanor and state of mind are
relevant Your Honor.
Judge Byron Fudd: Objection Overruled, you may continue Ms. Winters.
Flashback to the office where Patrice shot Sean while Gretchen Winters tells the story.
Gretchen Winters: Gladly, Anyway, it was the most horrible thing I’d ever experienced. There’s Sean, lying on
the floor, blood gushing from his head.
ADA Stewart Betts: Whoa whoa whoa whoa. You skipped ahead. Back up to before he was shot.
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Gretchen Winters: Oh, I’m terribly
sorry, I get ahead of myself when I get
excited. Anyway, where was I…oh,
yes. She walked in, said what she
said, then raised the gun. And she
pointed it. Calmly, her hand was not
shaking. And she said, “you have five
seconds to live. I’d give you ten but we
really can’t keep hell waiting.” And
then… she just pulled the trigger. The
bullet his him right between the eyes
and he dropped. End of flashback. It
was a cold-blooded and vicious
execution. It was awful, just to think
about it… Shall I tell it again?
Scene: Crane Poole and Schmidt – Denny Crane’s Office
Denny Crane is sitting at his desk flipping through a file. Nancy Wilding approaches Denny’s office and
knocks on the door.
Denny Crane: Standing and motioning to the chair across from his desk. Oh, please come in.
Nancy Wilding: Sure, I’m thrilled, actually and a little stunned. I’ve worked here for six years and I don’t believe
I’ve actually been in your office.
Denny Crane: Actually, I’m afraid the circumstances of this meeting are not pleasant.
Nancy Wilding: Oh.
Denny Crane: We’re letting you go.
Nancy Wilding: What? Why?
Denny Crane: It’s not that your performance hasn’t been good, I’m told you do fine fine work. But since
partnership is not in your future… we prefer to let those associates go rather than mislead them, it’s only fair.
Nancy Wilding: Would you mind telling me why partnership’s not in my future?
Denny Crane: Not at all. You’re fat.
Nancy Wilding: Excuse me.
Denny Crane: We can’t have fat people working at Crane Poole and Schmidt. That’s all, and seriously, thank
you for your past work, I mean that.
Nancy Wilding: So, I’m being fired because I’m fat?
Denny Crane: Yes, off you go now.
Nancy Wilding: Standing to leave. So if
I was thin, I’d still have my job?
Denny Crane: Hell, if you were thin, I’d
probably try and have sex with you.
Nancy Wilding: You did try.
Denny Crane: Really?
Nancy Wilding: Last week.
Denny Crane: Did we have it? It doesn’t
matter, look I can’t let my personal
feelings get in the way, I have to think of
the firm. No tubsters at C.P. and S. Off
you go now.
Nancy just stares back, incredulous.
Denny Crane: (Into the speakerphone)
Security please.
Scene: Judge Fudd’s Courtroom
Whitney Rome is questioning Dr. Marcini.
Dr. Marcini: It was a kind of disassociative state that we call automatism.
Whitney Rome: Automatism?
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Dr. Marcini: Yes. Basically… Ms. Kelley went into a form of automatic pilot. We see it with battered wives.
The abuse triggers this extreme, almost psychotic reaction in the brain… here, the abuse was obviously the
murder of her child. Then seeing the killer set free.
ADA Stewart Betts is up.
ADA Stewart Betts: She’s fine now?
Dr. Marcini: Seems so, yes.
ADA Stewart Betts: And was she on automatic pilot during all the planning stages of this crime?
Dr. Marcini: I can’t really know. I didn’t examine her.
ADA Stewart Betts: When you did examine her after the shooting… was she on automatic pilot then?
Dr. Marcini: No. She had regained control.
ADA Stewart Betts: And you know she was on automatic pilot during the murder based on what information?
Dr. Marcini: What she felt and experienced at the time of the shooting.
ADA Stewart Betts: Who told you what she felt and experienced?
Dr. Marcini: She did.
Scene: Lobby of Crane Poole and Schmidt
Leigh Swift is awkwardly walking through
the lobby. She has her hands firmly glued
to her thighs. She approaches Carl Sack.
Carl Sack: Hello.
Leigh Swift: Hello, my name is Leigh Swift.
L-E-I-G-H, I only point this out because it is
misspelled sixty-seven percent of the time,
and I am her today in hopes of securing legal
counsel, preferably from-
Carl Sack: Jerry Espenson.
Leigh Swift: How did you know?
Carl Sack: Shot in the dark?
Jerry comes around the corner with his
hands on his thighs.
Carl Sack: Impeccable timing.
Jerry Espenson: Hello.
Leigh Swift: Hello.
Carl Sack: Raising a hand. High fives all around. No? This is Leigh, Jerry. I’ll get you the correct spelling on
that later, could you perhaps escort her out of the common area?
Jerry Espenson: Let’s go to my office.
Jerry and Leigh walk off toward his office, both of them with their hands on their thighs. Nancy Wilding
walks up to Carl carrying a box.
Nancy Wilding: Hello. Mr. Sack, I just wanted to come say goodbye.
Carl Sack: “Goodbye”, who the hell are you?
Nancy Wilding: My name is Nancy Wilding, I’m an associate, I was fired. Denny Crane fired me because I’m
fat.
Carl Sack: He did what?
Nancy Wilding: Yes. So, it’s goodbye.
Carl Sack: Wait. No, no. You’re not fired, I’ll talk to Denny.
Nancy Wilding: Oh, if only it were that easy. See, I’ve been damaged. And, I’ve hit the lottery. We’ll see you all
in court.
Scene: Denny Crane’s Office
Denny is drinking a glass of scotch. Carl is across the desk from him.
Carl Sack: Are you out of your mind?
Denny Crane: Why does everybody ask me that?
Carl Sack: For God’s sakes Denny, you cannot fire somebody because their fat. Never mind the indecency of
it, can’t you see that as a lawyer? And you know what, she’s poised to make noise over this. And you
personally, will be filleted in the news, did you think about that?
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Denny Crane: No I won’t, let me tell you something Sack, it doesn’t matter what people are saying as long as
they talk about you.
Carl just looks at him like he can’t believe what he is hearing.
Scene: Jerry Espenson’s Office
Jerry and Leigh enter the office.
Leigh Swift: I’ve been to six other lawyers. None of them would take my case. But all of them asked if I was
related to you.
Jerry Espenson: Perhaps you could tell me why you’re here.
Leigh Swift: I’ve lost my lover. His name was Gebrauchskasten, and he was forcibly taken, against his will, by
force.
Jerry Espenson: Have you filed a police report?
Leigh Swift: Oh, the police have been dismissive. I suspect they’re discriminating against Gebrauchskasten
based on his ethnicity.
Jerry Espenson: I really doubt they’d ignore a kidnapping.
Leigh Swift: Here he is. She hands Jerry a photograph of a utility box. Jerry looks confused. That’s
Gebrauchskasten, his name is German for utility box.
Jerry Espenson: This box…
Leigh Swift: Is my lover.
Scene: Courthouse
Alan, Whitney and Patrice are
entering an empty meeting room.
Alan Shore: Nobody here believes
you are actually crazy. It was
revenge, I know it, you know it, the
jury knows it. Our insanity defense is
simply a pretext to allow the jury to let
you go, but first they have to want
you to go free. For that to happen
they have to like you, and for that to
happen, the jury has to feel what you
feel.
Patrice Kelley: I don’t feel. After my
daughter was killed I stopped feeling.
It’s how I survive.
Whitney Rome: Well, it won’t be
how you survive prison, which is where you’re headed if the jury doesn’t see a human being sitting in that chair.
Patrice Kelley: I’ll discuss it with God.
Alan Shore: Look at me. If this jury thinks for a moment that you’re pulling one over on them, you’re gone.
You need to be uneffectively, emotionally forthright and sincere.
Patrice Kelley: I honestly don’t know if I can do that.
Scene: Judge Fudd’s Courtroom
Patrice Kelley is on the stand.
Patrice Kelley: After Hannah was killed, all I had to grab hold of was this quest to see her killer convicted and
sentenced.
Alan Shore: Do you remember what you felt when you heard the verdict of “Not Guilty” read?
Patrice Kelley: I don’t think I do really. I went numb, at some point I lost myself, I started to pray because I
often find consolation in my faith and one day I heard a voice.
Alan Shore: A voice?
Patrice Kelley: Yes, it wasn’t my own, and it said “You must kill Sean Harmon”.
Alan Shore: You didn’t recognize this voice?
Patrice Kelley: No, but for whatever reason, I became convinced that it was God.
Alan Shore: You thought God was telling you to kill Sean Harmon?
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Patrice Kelley: I know how crazy it sounds, but at the time I was reading a lot of the Bible and so many of the
verses I would hear in this voice, Leviticus – He that killeth a man, he shall be put to death. Exodus – He that
smiteth a man so that he die, he surely shall be put to death. I kept hearing this over and over and I became
convinced that my daughter’s sole (Now starting to cry) would rest only with vengeance. Harmon had to die, it
was up to me to kill him. I would have to be the one to avenge my baby’s death.
Alan Shore: What do you remember about the day you shot Sean Harmon.
Patrice Kelley: I remember driving to his place of work, approaching him, I didn’t feel scared. I recall aiming the
gun, shooting him, and I’m ashamed to admit it, but I remember I felt joyous.
Alan Shore: Joyous?
Patrice Kelley: Yes. Between his living a free man and his dying, it felt more moral for him to be dead, and I
felt like I was somehow carrying out God’s word. It was joyous.
Scene: Crane Poole and Schmidt, Jerry Espenson’s Office
Katie Lloyd and Jerry Espenson are researching Leigh Swift’s case.
Katie Lloyd: Objectophilia – A type of neo-sexuality indicative of a modern trend away from human to human
intimacy. It sounds like a coping mechanism. A way to compensate for a lack of human affection, I supposed
we can all relate to that.
Jerry Espenson: So what do I do? She’s in love with a box.
Katie Lloyd: Well, what do you want to do Jerry?
Jerry Espenson: Well, she’s a very nice lady. I suppose I would like to help her.
Katie Lloyd: Do that, then.
Jerry Espenson: She has not legal case, it’s ridiculous even for this firm.
Katie Lloyd: Maybe you could locate her lover.
Scene: Crane Poole and Schmidt, Denny Crane’s
Office
Denny is sitting at his desk playing a computer
game. Lorraine Weller knocks on his door.
Lorraine Weller: Hello Denny, busy?
Denny Crane: Can’t you tell, I’m in the middle of
kidnapping a hooker.
Lorraine Weller: May I speak with you a second?
Denny Crane: Actually, I was on my way out,
care to ride the elevator with me?
Lorraine Weller: You’re just dying to get me in an
elevator aren’t you?
Denny Crane: It crossed my mind.
Lorraine Weller: Carl asked me to give you a
hand with this Nancy Wilding matter.
Denny Crane: Oh, that’s why you’re here, to give
me a hand.
Lorraine Weller: You know what I would like to
do Denny? I would like to get Nancy Wilding and
her lawyer in, officially offer her her job back,
coupled with a heart felt apology.
Denny Crane: Why should you apologize? You
didn’t do anything wrong.
Lorraine Weller: I was thinking it would come
from you.
Denny Crane: No.
Lorraine Weller: Denny. I don’t want to be
bothered with this case any more than you do.
Let’s you and I make it go away together. Can we
do that, Denny? You and I together.
Denny is looking at her like she just proposed something much more interesting.
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Scene: Judge Fudd’s courtroom
Patrice is being questioned by
ADA Stewart Betts
ADA Stewart Betts: Did you ever
mention to anyone before killing
Sean Harmon that you were getting
messages from God?
Patrice Kelley: No.
ADA Stewart Betts: You claim to
be a religious person, did you
discuss this with clergy?
Patrice Kelley: No.
ADA Stewart Betts: You’re getting
messages from God. You don’t talk
to your own priest, you just order a
gun?
Patrice Kelley: Not the actions of a
sane person I admit.
ADA Stewart Betts: You’re sane
now, right? In fact, when examined
by court appointed psychiatrists to
determine your competency to stand
trial, they found you sane, this just
thirty-six hours after her crime. It
seems like such a small convenient
window of insanity.
Alan Shore: Objection.
Judge Byron Fudd: Objection
Sustained. The jury will disregard
that.
ADA Stewart Betts: So, as I
understand it, you know now that
God was not speaking to you?
Patrice Kelley: Yes, I was probably
projecting. I wanted Sean Harmon
dead, it was me, but I didn’t think I
could reconcile murder with my sense of morality so my subconscious somehow found a way to make it God’s
word, so that I could maintain me moral esteem and still kill Sean Harmon.
Scene: Crane Poole and Schmidt – Denny Crane’s office
Denny and Alan are visiting. Denny is pacing the floor, Alan is sitting on the sofa drinking scotch.
Alan Shore: It is one of those answers that could either win the day or bury us.
Denny Crane: She seems to know exactly what she’s doing, I’d give her the benefit of the doubt.
Alan Shore: Let’s talk about you Denny. You certainly knew what you were doing when you fired Nancy
Wilding for being fat. What’s going on? Were you retaliating because she rejected your sexual advances.
Denny Crane: If I had a nickel for every girl that turned me down, actually I do.
Alan Shore: What is it then? Is it another way to be the center of attention?
Denny Crane: I should be on that case. I should be in that courtroom with you Ms Kelley not in my office
kidnapping hookers (Alan gives him a look), on the tv.
Alan Shore: Denny.
Denny Crane: Don’t. Just don’t.
Alan Shore: You need to let Lorraine make this case go away.
Denny Crane: I’ll do what I want.
Alan Shore: Fine.
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Scene: Crane Poole and Schmidt – Carl Sack’s office
Jerry Espenson and Katie Lloyd are standing. Carl is pacing the floor behind them lecturing them.
Carl Sack: You are representing a woman who is in love with a utility box. Is that right, Jerry?
Jerry Espenson: mumbles
Carl Sack: I’m sorry?
Jerry Espenson: Yes, Mr. Sack. That’s right I’m representing a woman who’s in love with a utility box.
Carl Sack: To Katie. Something tells me
you’re involved.
Katie Lloyd: I’m not actually, except to
encourage Jerry. I think it’s brilliant.
Jerry Espenson: In a high pitched voice.
Brilliant.
Katie Lloyd: I think the law in it’s noblest is
used to protect the weakest and most
vulnerable members of our society. The
client here is an objectophile, a fragile one at
that. Every other law firm summarily
rejected her, how wonderful that this firm
endeavors to prioritize compassion and
humanity over profit. It positively warms the
cockles of my heart. Jerry is off to meet with
the developer perhaps you would care to
join. I’m sure your own cockles could use a
jolly.
Scene: Judge Fudd’s Courtroom
Whitney has Father Kevin Maher on the stand.
Father Kevin Maher: Well, I can’t speak to
whether God spoke to this woman, but… my
view is He would certainly forgive her for her
actions.
Whitney Rome: For killing Sean Harmon?
Father Kevin Maher: The Lord’s powers of
forgiveness are without limit. And in this
case there’s always the “an eye for an eye”
principle.
Whitney Rome: That justifies killing
somebody?
Father Kevin Maher: The phrase is to be
found in the Old Testament and I believe it
speaks for itself.
Whitney Rome: What about the New
Testament, Jesus says turn the other cheek,
does he not?
Father Kevin Maher: Well, my reading of
that is Jesus was voicing a very personal view of how a saintly individual should act. I don’t interpret that as
condemning revenge.
ADA Stewart Betts is now up.
ADA Stewart Betts: So, you, a man of the cloth, don’t believe that all human life is holy?
Father Kevin Maher: I do, I also believe “Whoever sheds the blood of man by man shall his blood be shed.”
Genesis.
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Professor Jeffery Benoit is now on the stand.
Professor Jeffery Benoit: I have studied Judeo-Christian teachings for thirty-three years, I consider myself
both a Biblical and a Talmudic scholar, and I found Father Maher’s testimony to be strikingly without merit.
ADA Stewart Betts: Because?
Professor Jeffery Benoit: The “eye for and eye” verse in the Bible suggests a limitation on retribution. It is
forbidden to take two eyes for one, or, for that matter, to inflict any punishment that would exceed the offense.
ADA Stewart Betts: Yes, but the underlying offense of Sean Harmon was murder.
Professor Jeffery Benoit: Even so, it was never meant to advocate revenge murder. I mean consider the
words of Jesus, “If anyone strikes you on the left cheek, offer him the other as well.” Jesus never would have
endorsed this revenge killing. He was against vengeance.
Alan Shore is now up.
Alan Shore: Well, except for
when it came to believing in him
right? Mark 16:16, He that
believeth and is baptized shall
be saved, but he that believeth
not shall be damned. And
damnation, if hell is everything
it’s cracked up to be, is a fate
worse than the painful death that
proceeds it. So, according to this
guy Mark, Jesus was okay with
vengeance wasn’t he professor?
Professor Jeffery Benoit: If I
was a Christian I suppose I
would be very much offended by
that.
Alan Shore: But you’re a Jew. Certainly Jews are okay with revenge?
Professor Jeffery Benoit: You know something about Jewish law I don’t?
Alan Shore: I know if you cross Irael’s borders without a proper invitation, the bombs they go a-bursting, I know
when Israel kidnapped Eichmann and hanged him, Jewish people the world over cheered.
Professor Jeffery Benoit: First of all, Eichmann was responsible for mass murder.
Alan Shore: So, it’s not whether Judaism supports revenge, but when.
Professor Jeffery Benoit: You’re offensive.
Alan Shore: Really? I was just going to say the same about you. Judaism has never been preoccupied with
forgiveness, justice, justice you shall pursue, that’s what the Torah commands. My client was pursuing justice
when she avenged the death of her only daughter. What’s truly offensive is you sitting high on your scholarly
horse and suggesting that God, anybody’s God would condemn her for it. Moreover…
ADA Stewart Betts: Objection!
Alan Shore: I suspect if your child was murdered and it was your child’s murderer who went free, you wouldn’t
be pontificating about forgiveness.
ADA Stewart Betts: Objection, Your Honor!
Alan Shore: And when’s the last time one of your kids got bludgeoned too death?
Judge Byron Fudd: Mr. Shore.
Scene – Construction Site
Steve Hughes: This is really difficult for me to grasp.
Jerry Espenson: It’s very simple. You relocated the box. We would simply like to get possession of it.
Steve Hughes: No, that much I got. It was the part about her being in love with it.
Jerry Espenson: Of course my client’s predilection must strike you as unconventional. But I would
nevertheless ask you to respect – she has found a meaningful relationship that works for her.
Steve Hughes: With the box
Leigh Swift: I’m an objectophile.
Jerry Espenson: We were hoping that perhaps the person involved in the item’s removal can help track it
down. Steve Hughes: Well, I’m sorry. I believe the box has been destroyed.
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Jerry Espenson: When you say destroyed…
Cut Jerry’s Office. The compressed box has
been delivered to Jerry and he is opening the
box containing it to show Leigh.
Leigh Swift: That’s all of him?
Jerry Espenson: I’m told he’s all there.
Leigh Swift: It’s not the same.
Jerry Espenson: Leigh, have you thought of
getting counseling?
Leigh Swift: You must think I’m a rather sick
person.
Jerry Espenson: No, I don’t. There are many
people who find inanimate objects desirable. I had
a life size doll.
Leigh Swift: At least your object had a face.
Jerry Espenson: Oh, she had more than a face.
I’d given her a personality, sense of humor, I would even debate politics with her on occasion. Most of it is about
fear of intimacy and trust with a real person. I read one expert, he says we’ve become such a socially isolated
society what with computers and so forth with so many socially isolated individuals, objectophilia is not all
together surprising. Leigh has started staring at a clock radio on Jerry’s table. Are you listening?
Leigh Swift: What? Oh, yes, sorry. It’s just that your clock radio reminded me of one of my exes for a sec.
Jerry Espenson: I think you can achieve an intimate and trusting relationship with a real person. It’s very
terrifying I know. But I think you should give real people a try.
Leigh Swift: Nods and walks to the door to leave. Jerry, thank you for everything. For not laughing at me.
For, well, you’re a very compassionate man.
Jerry Espenson: If there’s anything I can do for you.
Leigh Swift: You’ve been so kind. It might be very hard for me to be alone tonight.
Jerry Espenson: Oh, uh, well… Leigh looks from Jerry to his radio and he realizes she is not referring to
him. He grabs the radio and hands it to Leigh. Take it.
Leigh Swift: Are you sure?
Jerry Espenson: Please.
Leigh Swift: I’ll bring it back, just something to hold.
Scene: Crane Poole and Schmidt – Conference Room
Lorraine Weller, Denny Crane, Nancy Wilder and her
lawyer Emma Path are all sitting around the
conference table.
Lorraine Weller: We are officially offering Nancy her job
back.
Emma Path: Rejected. She’s not coming back to a firm of
fat bigots.
Lorraine Weller: We’ll offer $25,000 to cover her feelings.
Emma Path: Also rejected.
Denny Crane: Are you this hostile in bed, because I like
that.
Lorraine Weller: Denny.
Denny Crane: Look, I really am sorry for what I said. But
let’s face it, we live in a very cosmetic world these days.
And perception so often seems to count more than
substance. Beauty begets beauty. What I was really trying
to say was you’re fat.
Nancy Wilding: Keep talking Mr. Crane. All I hear is
Ka’ching Ka’ching Ka’ching.
Denny Crane: A jury is not going to give you money,
jury’s like winners, look around the room, (pointing to
Lorraine) winner, (pointing to himself) winner, (pointing
to Emma Path) loser, (pointing to Nancy Wilder) loser.
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Let’s review, winner, winner, loser, loser. Now I would
appreciate it if you would leave my conference room
before anyone sees you and confuses you with
someone I would actually hire. Off you go now. Take
the man eater with you, bye bye.
Scene – Crane Poole and Schmidt – Carl Sack’s Office
Gracie Jane on television. Carl is watching, Denny
comes in.
Gracie Jane: The evidence is all in folks. It’s down to
closing arguments. We know what the prosecution is
going to say. Let’s talk about the defense. There is only
one argument to make here, we all know what it is, the victim here killed this poor woman’s daughter. Carl
turns off the tv.
Denny Crane: What do you want?
Carl Sack: Could you please sit Denny? Denny sits. Do you know the reason I came to the Boston Office?
Denny Crane: Shirley.
Carl Sack: That would be one reason. The other was to, well, ring out some of the madness. And now we
have you, firing an associate because she’s fat.
Denny Crane: I’d like to stay and chat Carl, but I’ve got a trial coming up, the client can’t fire me because I’m
the client. Denny goes to get up.
Carl Sack: Please sit. May I share
something with you?
Denny Crane: Shirley?
Carl Sack: No, not Shirley. There’s a
reason your name comes first on the
door. More than anything else, this
place is you. If I’ve come to realize one
thing more than anything since arriving,
is how the people that work at Crane
Poole and Schmidt so love doing so, in
large part for you. What you do to
yourself in theory is your own business,
but it really isn’t.
Denny doesn’t know what to say. He
gets up to leave, turns looking
thoughtful, and farts.
Denny Crane: Denny Crane.
Scene: Judge Fudd’s Courtroom
ADA Stewart Betts is giving his closing argument.
ADA Stewart Betts: I don’t think I need to persuade you that the evidence clearing shows that Patrice Kelley
was not insane. In truth, her defense never really argued that she was. To the contrary, they introduced all
kinds of evidence, religious, moral and otherwise to convince you that what she did made total sense. Her
daughter was murdered her killer was free. Of course, of course she was outraged. And many of you would
have been tempted to take the law into your own hands just like she did. But you wouldn’t have. As much as
you’d want to give in to anarchy, and lawlessness and vigilantism, you wouldn’t have because we have laws
against it. We have consequences like prison to stop us from giving in to our violent primal, all be it, sometimes
natural urges. Patrice Kelley is sitting here because she said, “Screw the law”, and now she is hoping that the
twelve of you will do exactly the same thing, screw the law you took an oath to uphold. The role of the juror in
this country is most noble. It is perhaps the highest form of public service, not because it’s easy, but because
it’s often times difficult. Here you are being asked to convict a good woman. A woman you no doubt relate to. A
woman your hearts quite appropriately go out to. It’s difficult, as the truth often is. The truth here is that this
was an act of revenge. Patrice Kelley deliberately, methodically, and reflectively killed Sean Harmon.
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Alan Shore gets up to give his closing
argument.
Alan Shore: This case has been very
unsettling. I’m so against the death
penalty. A state sanctioned dispassionate
ceremonial taking of a human life. I’ve
been an eye witness to five executions.
They were vile, debased and felt
horrifyingly sadistic, and yet the thought of
Sean Harmon being killed is so good and
just. It turns out while the death penalty
might not be moral, revenge is. Studies
are now surfacing which show vengeance,
specifically the self-help kind, is good,
healthy even, like oat bran. New findings
based on brain scans show that we get a
burst of activity in our pre-frontal cortex
from the very act of punishing those that
break social norms and here’s the best
part, that relying instead on the state to
avenge our harms doesn’t cut it, that in
fact weakens our moral instincts.
According to recent findings at Arizona
State University, morality requires people
to respond to the quality of another
person’s acts letting the state or
somebody else do your bidding is in fact
moral cowardice. This explains why one
can be opposed to the death penalty, and
never-the-less delighted that Patrice
Kelley shot Sean Harmon dead.
Vengeance is sometimes right, as it was
here. The reason we all want Patrice to go
free, the reason we get that little shot of
activity in our dorsal striatum, when we
think of Patrice Kelley in her temporarily
insane state putting a bullet in Sean
Harmon’s head is because it was the
moral thing to do. This man bludgeoned
her daughter too death with a vodka
bottle. If it had been your child who was
killed, your child’s murderer walked away
free, with no consequences, no remorse,
you would have wanted to do exactly as
she did. Mr. Betts admonished you to
consider the truth of what happened in this
case, but in reality he only wants you to
consider the bare police report facts, and
as William Faulkner once said, “Facts and Truth really don’t have much to do with each other”. The truth in this
case is that in a moment of divine irrationality, a great wrong was set right. And justice, justice was finally done.
Scene – Judge Fudd’s chambers
Alan Shore, Whitney Rome, ADA Stewart Betts and Judge Fudd are present.
Judge Byron Fudd: The jury wants to know if they have the option of manslaughter, as it stands now they
don’t, not unless we amend the charges. So, do we add manslaughter? The question says to me that they don’t
want to find her guilty of first or second degree, but nor do they want to let her go. So, who’s gonna blink?
12
ADA Stewart Betts: I’ll agree to add manslaughter.
Judge Byron Fudd: Good, Mr. Shore?
Alan Shore: No.
Judge Byron Fudd: Don’t you think you should check with your client?
Alan Shore: I will, but she is going to ask me what I think and I will tell her not to agree.
Judge Byron Fudd: My concern is, if you think revenge murder is a moral good, then maybe you’re not seeing
straight yourself.
Scene – Crane Poole and Schmidt – Denny Crane’s Office
Denny is sitting at his desk, legs propped, sipping coffee, Carl Sack enters.
Carl Sack: What’s up?
Denny Crane: Oh, just pretending to be busy, waiting for Alan to get back so I can smoke and drink and
discuss my penis.
Carl Sack: You know, Denny, for all our differences, we go way back.
Denny Crane: Really? I don’t remember, mad cow.
Carl Sack: You joke about the mad cow. Clearly if you’re slipping, do you really want to be on display in a
public trial? I mean why put yourself through all of this, because you’re angry?
Denny Crane: You seem to forget, Carl, that I had a perfectly good reason to discharge Nancy Wilding, she’s
fat. Obesity is a disease, I’ve got the gene. I had to fire her, I couldn’t risk catching it.
Carl Sack: Catching it?
Denny Crane: Obesity. Here, black and white. (tosses a magazine to Carl) Obesity can spread from person
to person like a virus. I marked the page.
Carl Sack: Is this for real?
Denny Crane: Fat people gotta go Carl. They’re contagious.
Scene – Crane Poole and Schmidt
Leigh Swift and Jerry Espenson are walking in the halls, opposite ends, towards one another.
Jerry Espenson: Leigh, you’re back.
Leigh Swift: Yes, I am. Listen I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said, taking a chance on trusting real
people again, and it really resonated with me Jerry. I would like somebody who I could talk to. Somebody who’s
capable of talking back. I started wondering whether I knew anyone who I could trust. And I don’t. And then I
thought, what about you? Jerry purrs
and Leigh makes popping sounds with
her mouth. I don’t know your situation
Jerry, but would you like to get a drink with
me?
Jerry Espenson: Now?
Leigh Swift: Never mind, forget I said
that.
Jerry Espenson: No, I would love to get
a drink.
Leigh Swift: No, forget it.
Jerry Espenson: No I would, I would.
Leigh Swift: Oh, okay. Shall we?
Jerry Espenson: Okay.
They both board the elevator, hands on
thighs, neither quite realizing that
someone needs to push the ‘down’
button.
Scene – Meeting room in courthouse
Whitney Rome, Patrice Kelley and Alan Shore are discussing the trial.
Alan Shore: We could still change our mind. We could just agree to a plea of manslaughter, the district
attorney would probably accept it.
Patrice Kelley: I don’t want to spend five years in prison, but then the idea of doing life…
13
Alan Shore: I can’t believe the jury would want you to do life, even if some did, certainly not all. I can’t see all
twelve.
An officer opens the door, reporters are snapping their cameras hoping to get a shot of Patrice.
Officer: The jury’s back.
Scene – Judge Fudd’s courtroom
Judge Byron Fudd: Has the jury
reached a unanimous verdict?
Foreman: We have, Your Honor.
Judge Byron Fudd: Will the defendant
please rise. Mr. Foreman, what say you?
Foreman: On count one, the charge of
murder in the first degree, we find the
defendant, Patrice Kelley… not guilty. On
count two, on the charge of murder in the
second degree, we find the defendant,
Patrice Kelley… not guilty.
Patrice Kelley: Oh my God.
Alan Shore: Oh boy.
Judge Byron Fudd: Ladies and
Gentlemen of the jury, thank you for your
service. The defendant is free to go.
Patrice shakes Whitney’s hand and hugs Alan.
Scene – Crane Poole and Schmidt – Denny’s balcony
Denny is smoking his cigar when Alan comes out with two glasses of scotch, handing one to Denny.
Alan Shore: I can’t deny this one scared me Denny. As illegal as her actions were, I would have been
devastated if she’d have gone to jail.
Denny Crane: And yet, as justified as you say she was, you’re telling me you’re still against the death penalty.
Alan Shore: Absolutely.
Denny Crane: Doesn’t make any sense.
Alan Shore: It makes perfect sense.
Denny Crane: It’s okay for her to execute him, but if the government does it for her…
Alan Shore: That would be wrong.
Denny Crane: Leave it to you Liberals to come up with research that says it is okay to be for revenge, but
against the death penalty.
Alan Shore: It’s a lot like being for the death penalty, and yet pro-life.
Denny Crane: You want to go there, I can go there.
Alan Shore: You started it.
Denny Crane: I didn’t start it, I’m just saying, you are a hypocrite.
Alan Shore: chuckles No I’m not.
Denny Crane: Yes, you are. You come up with these studies, and another thing about you Democrats, you all
believe in science.
Alan Shore: You should remember that little gem for your testimony.
Denny Crane: I will. Don’t you worry. Will you defend me? Since I’m a witness, I will need a lawyer to defend
me. Will you defend me?
Alan Shore: I’ll defend you, Denny.
Denny Crane: Thank you.
Alan Shore: I’d like to know why you did it. Was it because she turned you down for sex?
Denny Crane: Alan, when a man gets older, he begins to suffer various indignities, but to be turned down by a
fat girl.
Alan Shore: Another gem.
Denny Crane: Well, you’re out there trying murder cases and I’m in my office twiddling my thumbs, being
rejected by fatty. I am not over. I am sick of people thinking that I’m over.
Alan Shore: I know your not over. As far as I’m concerned Denny, you’ve never been more now.
Denny Crane: Thank you.
14
Alan Shore: I read another study.
Denny Crane: Here we go.
Alan Shore: It talked about how men
sometimes seek younger female partners as a
way of staying younger themselves.
Denny Crane: That surprises you?
Alan Shore: No, but it went on to say that
sometimes they seek out younger male friends
for the same reason.
Denny Crane: You’re insecure.
Alan Shore: No.
Denny Crane: Yes you are.
Alan Shore: Well, sometimes I wonder if
we’d be as close if I wasn’t some young thing.
Denny Crane: Alan, first of all, you’re no
spring chicken, and second, forget it.
Alan Shore: What?
Denny Crane: I said forget it.
Alan Shore: You were about to say
something.
Denny Crane: No I wasn’t.
Alan Shore: Denny.
Denny Crane: I said forget it damn it.
Alan Shore: Well, then finish the sentence.
Second,…second, what?
Denny Crane: Second, I love you. And it has
nothing to do with your youth.
Alan Shore: Sleep over?
Denny Crane: That’s why I said forget it.
Alan Shore: What’s wrong? What’s the
problem with my suggesting….
Denny Crane: Because it’s artificial. I feel like
I have to say something soft, like I’m always
asking for it.
Alan Shore: Now you’re being ridiculous.
Denny Crane: I am not being ridiculous.
Both of them speaking over each other, it’s
very hard to understand what each of them
are saying.
Alan Shore: It seems every time I suggest a
sleep over you get angry now. It makes me
feel like you don’t want me over. I know what
it is too, you’re embarrassed because your
prone to snoring. Every since I had the dream
that there was a bear in the room.
Denny Crane: Every time you ask for a sleep
over I get the feeling it’s because you think I
want it, or I need it. And it’s not really your
place.
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